Leather and Lace
by Rheanne
Summary: I knew with you to light my nights that somehow I'd get by. Lovers forever, face to face...A Journey Song Fic Collection
1. Default Chapter

Hey,

Ok, so I've come up with this brilliant idea. I write a lot of Jason and Courtney centered song fics, but most of them don't get published, until now. I've decided to start a series of sorts centering on Journey song fics. I've decided to keep them in chapter like form, because it's easier for me to keep organized. There is one important thing, though. **None of the fics are related to each other unless otherwise noted! **Just think of each chapter as its own separate one part fic. Okay?

I'm sorry if this seems confusing, but it's so much easier for me to keep them grouped together. If you have any question, comments, concerns, ect…please feel free to leave a review or drop me an email. Thank You!

Rhea

P.S.: The first two stories have already been published on fanfic.net


	2. How Far?

**Disclaimer: **I don't own anything. The characters belong to GH and the song "How Far" belongs to Martina McBride

**Summary: **Just a short song ficlet set somewhere around the time that Jason breaks up with Courtney so she'll leave town. Let's say right after the February 25, 2003 episode, which is the one right after the cabin incident.

**_How Far:_**

_There's a boat, I could sail away  
There's the sky, I could catch a plane  
There's a train, there's the tracks  
I could leave and I could choose to not come back  
Oh never come back_

The cool ocean breeze swirled around Courtney. The docks were a dangerous place at night, but she would gladly risk her life if it brought peace to her restless mind. _All you got to do is go to college and you can open all kinds of doors for yourself._ Jason's words rang in her head and maybe he was right. Maybe she should leave town, at least it would be easier than having to see him everyday. She could move away and start over, without ever having to look back. Easier said than done, however. Even if she left and never returned, her heart would remain here with him. Sonny keeps saying that she's too young to feel this way, but he's wrong. Every girl has one true love and hers' just walked out and it hurt like hell.

There was a time when she would have never even considered leaving town, but tonight was testing her. Would anyone even notice her absence? Carly maybe, but she would soon be swept up in her pregnancy and no longer have time to worry. Sonny? He would probably throw himself a congratulatory party for finally succeeding in breaking his little sister's heart. Jason might mourn for a few days, but then convince himself it was for the best and move on.

She looked upwards to the starry night sky that was overlooking Port Charles. It brought a sad smile to her face; Jason always did love the stars. He really wasn't as cold as everyone made him out to be. Sure, he was _the enforcer_, but underneath his tough exterior was a heart of gold that was kept well hidden. She had caught a glimpse of it, though, and it just made her fall deeper in love. Her gaze soon fell downward to her feet trying to convince herself to walk away, but for some reason her legs refused to move. It was then that she noticed his presence.

_There you are, giving up the fight  
Here I am begging you to try  
Talk to me, let me in  
But you just put your wall back up again  
Oh when's it gonna end_

_I won't come back for you again. I'm done._ The words were burned into her memory. She shouldn't have been surprised that he gave up so easily, but she was. Their relationship was supposed to be able to withstand anything, but the second that they were faced with an obstacle, he walked away. He can say it's for her protection all he wants, but she doesn't buy it. He's scared… Jason "the enforcer" Morgan is afraid and she knows it.

"Go away," Courtney whispered to him. He stood a few feet to her left, like a statue. No words had passed between the two until Courtney had finally worked up the anger to address him. She wanted to yell and scream at him. Who the hell does he think he is? Invading her thinking space after all they had gone through today. Jason didn't respond, instead continued to stare straight ahead. He was shutting her out and she knew it. "You're a real asshole, you know that?" Her hurt and annoyance were beginning to win out. The comment worked though, because it forced him to pay attention to the young blonde at his side. "Why are you even here?"

"You shouldn't be wandering around by yourself at night," was the response as took a seat on the nearby bench. A chill ran up his spine from the cool night air and also the death glare he was now receiving from Courtney.

"Why? We broke up…Sonny can't blame you if something happens to me anymore." She was seething. Her emotions were swirling and there was no longer any way to contain them. "How could you do this to me?" Her voice broke with pain, but he refused to acknowledge it. "Why can't you for once stand up to him?"

"This has nothing to do with Sonny."

"Bullshit!" She shouted.

"It's for your own protection. My life is very dangerous." His tone was monotonous as he masked his own emotions.

"That's Sonny talking, because we both know that as long as I'm with you, I'll be safe." Courtney's voice was peppered with assurance.

"Just let it go, Courtney. Sometimes things are meant to be." He whispered in defeat. The comment caught her off guard; she had expected him to continue the argument, but instead he threw his hands up in surrender.

"You're so jaded," she muttered.

"Life isn't a movie, Courtney. Good guys die, not everything has a happy ending, and true love does not conquer all." He replied cynically and the young woman just shook her head in rebuttal. He was retreating into his shell again and she wasn't sure how to stop it.

_How far do I have to go to make you understand  
I wanna make this work so much it hurts, but I just can't  
Keep on giving, go on living with the way things are  
So I'm gonna walk away  
And it's up to you to say how far_

"How many more people are you going to push away before you realize that you're only hurting yourself?" Her question broke the silence that had engulfed the couple for the past few minutes. Neither one had moved from the respective positions, both not wanting to be the first to walk away.

"It's for the best…" was his answer which caused further annoyance to his companion.

"Is that your excuse for everything? Because I got to admit, it's starting to get old." Courtney replied. She wanted for him to spar back, but he didn't. How could one man be so frustrating? "How long are we going to do this? You tell that you don't want anything to do with me, but yet here you are. I'm not going to keep throwing myself at you feet. I can't do it anymore, Jase. I love you, but I don't think that it's enough. I'll never ask you to choose, but you got to give me something to assure that I won't always come second best to my brother."

"I just don't want you out here by yourself," he whispered, but she didn't buy it. As much as it hurt, he wanted to be near her just like she wanted to be near him. Why was their relationship such a constant struggle? Sonny and Carly were playing a never-ending game of tug of war with their feelings, because she and Jason allowed it. It was difficult to know that your brother was more invested in your relationship than your boyfriend.

"Do you love me?" Her voice was shaky and she wasn't even sure why the question popped out of her mouth.

"You know I do."

"Prove it…" she squeaked out as she began to walk away.

_There's a chance I could change my mind  
But I won't, not till you decide  
What you want, what you need  
Do you even care if I stay or leave  
Oh, what's it gonna be_

She made it all the way back to the loft without sparing a glance behind her to see if he was there. She allowed herself one momentary look down the hallway before she unlocked the door and was disappointed not to see him. Letting out a sigh, she entered the loft, shutting the door as she slid down on her bottom in the entranceway. A few tears slid down her face as she quickly swiped them away. The blonde was sick of crying over him. It's was like crying over spilt milk, because she had no ability to change his actions. No matter how many wishes were made…Jason Morgan was Jason Morgan and nothing was going to change that, not even her.

"What took you so long?" His voice rang through the darkness. She searched the dim apartment to find him sitting on the couch with a cocky grin on her face.

"You came…" she let the shock wash over her.

"Don't ever doubt my feelings for you." She nodded pushing herself up off the floor and taking a seat next to him. He placed a tentative arm around her shoulders and she relaxed against his touch. All the drama that had taken place during the day was forgotten as he kissed the crown of her head. These were the moments that she appreciated the most, when it was just her and Jason in their own separate world. There was no Sonny, no mob, and no Carly pulling them in different directions, but this dream could only last so long. It was a harsh reality, but a necessary one for her to understand. All the quiet times in the loft were never going to amount to all the fighting. The muffled ring of his cell phone caught both of their attentions. And so it began…

"Yeah?" He answered once he pulled the noisy object out of his coat pocket. She could make out Sonny's stifled voice and quickly removed herself away from Jason. He looked at her apologetically, but she shook her head taking a seat in the chair across the room. "Can't this wait, Sonny?" She heard more muffled yelling and Jason inevitably giving in. He flipped his phone down in annoyance.

"You should be going…wouldn't want to keep your boss waiting." She said a hint of malice and disgust laced her voice. He nodded, but did not get up from his seat. He knew if he left that would be the nail in the coffin that was his relationship. It would mean that he was choosing Sonny over her and there was no coming back from that.

"You know what?" Courtney's voice was shriller than she intended. "I'll leave."

  
_Out of this chair, or just across the room  
Halfway down the block or halfway to the moon_

_How far do I have to go to make you understand  
I wanna make this work so much it hurts, but I just can't  
Keep on giving, go on living with the way things are_

"Where are you going?" He asked in confusion. She was up from her seat and packing her stuff up like a mad woman.

"Why do you care?" She shot back while throwing a few more things into the bag that she was using in place of a suitcase. He didn't answer, but continued watching her. There was a fire in her eyes that he had never seen before. It was a mixture of anger and passion that clouded her baby blues.

"Can you calm down for a minute and talk to me?" He asked.

"There's nothing to say," she muttered. "Sonny is always going to come before me and I was naïve to think that it was ever going to change."

"It's not just Sonny that's the problem." He tried. "Your safety was put in jeopardy yesterday because of me."

"Yeah, yeah and "you don't want to be the reason I die." Save it, Jason." She let out a huff of air in annoyance as she crossed the living room and headed for the exit, overflowing bag in hand.

"Why are you making this so difficult?" He asked softly.

"You are the one that's making things difficult. All I want is to be with you and I don't understand why everyone is dead set against it." Courtney replied turning to face him one last time.

"I want that too, but things are just very complicated right now." She thought that maybe she heard a touch of pleading in his response, but decided to ignore. She couldn't do it anymore. One minute they were happy and then in the next moment they were breaking up. It was disastrous and not how they were supposed to end. Deep down in her heart she always thought they would pull through. The bond they created was supposed to be stronger than her brother's disapproval, her ex husband's jealousy, and Jason's own insecurities, but maybe it wasn't.

"Let me uncomplicate things for you," she had her hand on the doorknob and one foot out in the hallway. "When you figure what you want, come find me." Was the last thing she said before the slamming the door shut.

_So I'm gonna walk away  
And it's up to you to say  
Yeah I'm gonna walk away  
And it's up to you to say how far_


	3. The First Cut Is The Deepest

**Disclaimer: **I don't own the characters or the song "The First Cut Is the Deepest" by Sheryl Crow

**Summary:** Courtney has a good thing going with Jax, but her feelings for Jason continue to haunt her. Courtney's POV.

**The First Cut Is the Deepest:**

****

_I would have given you all of my heart  
But there's someone who's torn it apart  
And he's taken just all that I have  
But if you want I'll try to love again  
Baby, I'll try to love again but I know_

Its funny how easily one can take things for granted. I mean take me for example, I have this handsome, hunky Australian at my beck and call, but it's not good enough, because he's not Jason. I spent so much time trying to free myself of my ex husband and his dangerous life and now I want nothing more than to retreat back into his Penthouse. It's pathetic. Jax is a great guy and shouldn't have to live in the shadow of another man, but I am unsure of how to shake that nagging voice in the back of my mind that tells me that he will never compare to Jason. If I had gotten to know Jax a few years ago, before I was ever Mrs. Jason Morgan, I'm sure that I would have fallen in love without a moment of hesitation. It's the "what if's" that torment me late at night. What if I met Jax before Jason? What if I never married Jason? What if I never truly love anyone ever again? I'm not going to say I regret any of the time I spent with Jason, because I don't. It just seems unfair that he can move on so easily and I cannot. I'm sure that it's my own fears that are holding me back, but I don't quite know how to quell them.

I watch Jax shift uncomfortably in the seat across the table. The silence has been lingering longer than he would like, but he seems unsure of how to snap me out of my dreary daydream.

"Dinner is very good, thank you." I offer, trying to save him the trouble of making small talk. If someone were to tell me a few months ago that I would be spending most of my time with Jasper Jacks and actually enjoying it, I would have told them that they were out of their mind. But here we are and I can't say that I'm bothered by it.

"You're welcome," he replies with a trademark grin. I give him one of my hugest smiles and the silence settles in again, only more comfortable this time. His hand slides across the table covering mine. It's a small gesture of comfort and I appreciate it more than he'll ever know. This whole relationship started off as bet, but the more time I spend with him the more feelings I invest and I know that he's doing the same thing. I told him once that Brenda really screwed him up, but what I didn't want to admit is that Jason screwed me the same way.

_The first cut is the deepest  
Baby I know the first cut is the deepest  
But when it comes to being lucky he's cursed  
When it comes to loving me he's worst_

Jason's a great guy and what we had was probably the purest form of love, but it just wasn't enough. We had our share of rough times and obstacles that no couple should have to face. At the beginning the trials and tribulations made us stronger, but then as time wore on so did our relationship. The constant bickering mixed with his dangerous lifestyle eventually tore us down until we were in complete shambles. His inability to grieve for the miscarriage of our child sent me over the edge and although I know he wasn't meaning to be insensitive that's how it came across. It wasn't his fault that at the time I was a complete basket case, but it didn't stop me from blaming everything on him.

It burns to know that I still love him and he's engaged to another woman, a woman he cheated on me with. I tell everyone that I'm fine with the fact that he slept with Sam while we were still married, but deep down my heart aches from the betrayal. He was supposed to love me, but yet he sought comfort in the bed of another woman and that stings. I wonder if he never got Sam pregnant, would he have told me the truth. Probably not and I can't say I blame him. He must have thought that he got away with the perfect crime, sleeping with his best friend's "girlfriend" or whatever you want to call her. But then Sam finds out she's pregnant and the perfect crime is no longer perfect. But it is still a crime, a crime that I would love to see him punished for.

_I still want you by my side  
Just to help me dry the tears that I've cried  
But I'm sure gonna give you a try  
'Cause if you want I'll try to love again (try to love again)  
Baby, I'll try to love again but I know__  
  
_

"You alright, Courtney?" Jax thick accent is peppered with concern. I had almost forgotten that he was still there.

"Yep, I'm fine." I do my best to reassure him, but even I'm not buying my fake pep routine. He thumb draws a lazy line across the outside of my hand and I feel the corners of my mouth turn up into a small smile. His touch sends an electric jolt up my spine and I find myself enjoying it more and more. Deep in the back of my mind I know that the perfect revenge on Jason would be to become deeply involved with Jax and I think that is part of the reason I allow myself to feel for him, but there's more than that. When I'm with Jax there is no danger, but there is a light hearted nature. I'm sick of being depressed all the time and when I'm with Jax, my spirits are lifted. I think that's the other reason why I'm so attracted to him. Sure the surfer boy looks help as well as the massive amount of confidence he exudes. But underneath all that there is a sweetness that's enough to give a girl a tooth ache.

I know that despite my family connections, Jax likes me for me and isn't willing to let anyone push us around. Not like Jason, who walked on eggshells for fear of the great Sonny Corinthos. Jax simply doesn't care whether or not Carly and Sonny like him and it's refreshing to say the least. I like knowing that if push came to shove, he would always choose me over my brother, which is something that I was never sure about with Jason. For once, my life isn't shrouded in darkness and worry and I've never been happier. Sure, what me and Jax have may never compare with what my and Jason had, and I finally realized that I'm okay with that. Because it's what me and Jason **had**, past tense.

_The first cut is the deepest  
Baby I know, the first cut is the deepest  
When it comes to being lucky he's cursed  
When it comes to loving me he's worst_

Jason Morgan may very well be the love of my life, but Jasper "Jax" Jacks is quietly competing with him. I'm not ready to say that what me and the hunky Australian share is true love, but it's definitely something that I'm willing to explore and by the look in his eyes I think he's feeling the same way. So what if we've been burned? It doesn't mean that we are both destined to live in solitude forever.

"You look like you've had an epiphany," he comments with a smirk.

"Maybe…" I tease.

"Care to share with the class?" His smirk is driving me wild.

"Not really."

"Fair enough…" He's voice is light and it brings an ease to our conversation. I watch him stand up from the table, offering his hand to me after dropping a few bills for the waitress.

"Where are we going?" I ask once we are outside of the PC Grille. His strong arm is wrapped comfortable around my waist and for the first time I'm not really bothered by his show of ownership.

"It's beautiful night. I was thinking we could enjoy it," his eyes are dancing and I laugh.

"How do you suppose we do that?"

"Oh I'm not sure, but we'll think of something." His eyes become increasingly more serious as he looks across the street. I follow his gaze and notice Jason and Sam walking the opposite way. I try to ignore the burn in the pit of my stomach as I reach up and turn Jax's face towards mine with one finger. He leans down and kisses me soft on the forehead in a show tenderness. Funny, I never knew Jasper "Jax" Jacks had a tender side, but then again I never knew Jason Morgan had a cheating side. Oh well, I guess you learn something new everyday.

"How about we go to the park and I'll let you buy me some ice cream." I offer trying steadfast to ignore the couple on the other side of the street.

"We just had dinner," he replied.

"But we didn't have desert."

"Well I was kind of hoping…" His statement tapers off when I slap him playfully in the arm.

"Don't even think about it." He gives me one more of his trademark grins and despite my best efforts; I feel my heart flutter slightly. The image of my ex husband and his new fiancée is quickly erased from my mind and replaced with a smirking Jax leaning to down to kiss me passionately on the lips. When we break apart, it's my turn to beam. Yeah, I could definitely get used to having my very own candy boy around.

_The first cut is the deepest baby i know  
The first cut is the deepest try to love again..._


	4. Remember When

**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything. The characters belong to GH and the song "Remember When" belongs to Alan Jackson

**A/N: **I know that I should be working on Last Train Home and Caught in a Jar, but these songs fics keep popping into my head. I have been working on LTH and CIJ and should have new chapters out within the week. Anyways, feedback is always appreciated.

**Summary**: Set way in the future. Jason examines the pivotal points in his relationship with Courtney. Jason's POV

**Remember When:**

_Remember when I was young and so were you  
And time stood still and love was all we knew  
You were the first, so was I  
We made love and then you cried  
Remember when_

I can still remember the first time I set eyes on her. Of course, at the time she was Courtney Quartermaine, but we both knew that wouldn't last long. All it took was one of her thousand watt smiles and I was hers for life. Our relationship started off professional, but soon changed into something way more personal. I was her protector and she was my savior. I shudder to think of what I would have become if she didn't come into my life at that exact moment, probably be dead or in jail. Courtney awoke feelings within me that I never knew existed after the accident. When I was with her, I could love again and it made me complete. Once she left A.J. all bets were off and I knew that someway we would end up together.

It seems like a lifetime ago when we had our first real date. She made dinner and before I could stop myself, we were lying in bed together. I watched a few silent tears roll down her cheeks as she curled up closer to me. She once told me that it was the first time she had been with someone that loved her completely and I have it to admit it was the same for me. Sleeping together on our first date may have been hasty, but it was uncontrollable. When I am with her I lose all inhibitions and clear judgment.

Those first months of our fledgling relationship are what I cherished the most. We were so blinded by each other that not much else seemed to matter. I had never been so infatuated and savored every moment of it. As cliché as it sounds, she made me want to be a better person. I never understood how people could change for the ones they love, but she made me realize that there was nothing I wouldn't do to keep her by my side.

_Remember when we vowed the vows  
and walked the walk  
gave our hearts, made the start, it was hard  
We lived and learned, life threw curves  
There was joy, there was hurt  
Remember when_

Marriage seemed like the next logical step. After months of fighting Sonny and every other obstacle that was thrown our way, there was nothing more I wanted to do than make her my wife. I have participated in quite a few weddings and have never seen a prettier bride or a more beautiful ceremony. It wasn't anything elaborate, because she never was the type of person who wanted huge and fancy things. It was just me and her making promises in a vineyard in Paris with our best friends looking on. There was a light emanating from her and it was captivating. I remember every moment of that day as if it happened only a few hours ago.

We returned home so in love and sure that there was nothing that could tear us apart, but then life got in the way. It was the best of times; it was the worst of times, so to speak. When things were good, they were amazing, but when things were bad, they were downright unbearable. I watched as she slowly withered away until she was unrecognizable. The miscarriage coupled with the drug habit was wearing her down until there was nothing left but a shell of the woman I once knew. It was discouraging to watch the downward spiral and know that there was nothing I could do. I was unprepared for that type of situation. It's ironic that I couldn't save the one person who saved me.

However, we continued on with or sham of a marriage. Everyday we grew farther and farther apart until neither of us could take it any longer. I don't blame her for wanting out, but I do blame myself for not putting up much of a fight. Things were so complicated back then; we went back and forth for months about the divorce. I wanted to give her everything and she wanted nothing, kind of like our marriage. All she ever truly wanted was me, but at that time I was unable to give that.

When I finally came to my senses, it was too late. Courtney had saved me again, only this time I did not want her help. I was stubborn and saw her act of protection as betrayal. I signed the divorce papers and told her to get out of my life and just like that our whirl wind romance was over, or so I thought.

_Remember when old ones died and new were born  
And life was changed, disassembled, rearranged  
We came together, fell apart  
And broke each other's hearts  
Remember when_

It came as a shock to me when I heard about Alan. Sam had just had the baby and left town for some unknown reason. Then I got a call from a hysterical Emily. The only words that I could make out were "massive heart attack" and "gone". I felt a coldness come over my body and without thinking twice, I grabbed Emma and headed over to the one place that I felt safe.

Courtney didn't seem surprised to see me, but offered me in and took the cooing baby from my rigid arms. I watched her throw a deadly glare at Jax, who seemed cemented in his place staring me down. She must have told him to go home, because next thing I know we were alone in the apartment. Emma was resting peacefully in her arms as she prepared a pot of coffee. She never once asked if I was okay, because she knew me better than that. I watched carefully as she placed my daughter down on the chair and took a seat next to me on the couch with a cup of coffee in hand.

"Black with two sugars, right?" She whispered offering me the steaming mug. I nodded, but was still unable to speak. She waited patiently for me to finish the beverage before taking it from my hands and leaving the room to put it in the sink. It seemed like hours before she returned and reoccupied her seat. She seemed hesitant to wrap her petite arms around my bulky frame, but did so anyways. I immediately relaxed in her embrace as she rubbed soft circles on my back. I couldn't be sure how long we sat there like that, it could have been days for all I know, but she never once complained nor did she say anything at all. It was surprising that even though I wasn't there in her time of need, she dropped everything to be there in mine.

She held my hand through the wake as well as the funeral, only leaving my side to take care of Emma. I watched the love in her eyes as she took care of my baby girl and I hated Sam for taking motherhood for granted. She had left with some lame excuse like "she couldn't handle the responsibility of taking of another life," I didn't think she would ever come back nor did I really want her to. Courtney was being the mother that Emma deserved, not that I had any right to ask her to come and help me raise the child.

It turns out that I didn't even have to ask, because Courtney could sense that I wasn't ready to handle a child on my own. She stopped by the Penthouse whenever possible to visit with Emma and helped out with simple everyday tasks that I was unequipped to deal with. She was a babysitter, a confidante, and quickly replacing Carly as my best friend. She tried her best to keep Jax away, but there were times when he followed her to my house. I didn't say anything, because she was doing favors for me, but it broke my heart every time I saw Jax wrap his arms around her and place a kiss on the corner of her mouth.

It finally came to the point where I could no longer take it anymore and in a moment of weakness, I swept her up in the most passionate kiss I could muster. She was hesitant at first, but then quickly pulled away while placing a swift slap across my cheek. She walked away and didn't return for quite awhile. I remember the feeling shock when she showed up on my doorstep a few weeks later, a mixture of worry and passion clouded her clear blue eyes. She took one step in before getting up on the tip of her toes and placing her soft lips on mine in one of the tenderest kisses I had ever had the pleasure taking part in.

_  
Remember when the sound of little feet  
was the music  
We danced to week to week  
Brought back the love, we found trust  
Vowed we'd never give it up  
Remember when_

"I'm pregnant," she said as the corner of her lips turned up into a smile. It had been about a year since she kissed me and things had changed so drastically. She moved back in and then we remarried, determined to make things work between us. She was the mother that Emma needed and now she was going to be a mother to another child, our child. She was absolutely beaming when I reached down and place a gentle hand on her stomach.

Dr. Meadows explained the high risk of the pregnancy, but Courtney was sure that she could handle it. I don't think I let her out of bed for most of the pregnancy. Carly tried to persuade me that Courtney "really needed to go baby shopping", but that was out of the question. She must have been ready to kill me once she reached her ninth month, but it didn't really matter to me as long as I was sure that her and our child were safe.

Jayson Michael Morgan was born February 20, 2006. Courtney had insisted on naming the baby after me and Sonny, even though I thought it was too generic. She compromised by spelling it "Jayson" instead of "Jason", so that we could just call him Jay. It was beyond me to argue with her, because like Sonny, once she had her mind set on something there was no changing it. Emma was a little over two years old when we brought Jay home and was ecstatic to have a playmate. Courtney finally had the family she deserved and I was happy to be the one that gave it to her.

We hit a rough spot soon after Jay turned a year old. I can't even remember what happened exactly, but I do know that she packed up the kids and left for a week. It was the longest week of my life and I badgered Carly everyday for their location. Carly was never good at keep secrets and she soon gave up on trying to hide my family from me. I was surprised to find that she had gone back to Atlantic City and was staying with Janine; after all she was no longer very close with her mother. I camped out in the hallway of the small apartment building for days before she would agree to see me. It was more out of pity than anything else when she took a seat on the floor next to me and listened to my explanation. It took hours of apologies and even a few tears for her to return home with me, but she did. As she put it "I'm doing this because the children deserve a family and I know that we can give them one." That was the last fight we ever got into, because I was determined not to make her regret our marriage.

_Remember when thirty seemed so old  
Now lookin' back, it's just a steppin' stone  
To where we are,  
where we've been  
Said we'd do it all again  
Remember when_

I walked into the dark Penthouse trying to figure out why no one was home, but I soon heard the rustling and soft giggles. The lights flicked on a round of late "surprises" filled the air. The living room was filled with family and friends, Courtney stood in the center with thirteen year old Emma and eleven year old Jay on each side. Her face was lit up like a Christmas tree and I shook my head in mock annoyance.

"What? Forty-five is a big deal," she explained innocently.

"No it's not. It just means I'm old," I shot back good naturedly.

"Such a party pooper," she grumbled. I saw nineteen year old Michael leaving the kitchen with cake in hand as fifteen year old Morgan cleared a path through the sea of people. A chorus of "Happy Birthday" began and I was sure that my cheeks were turning red as I eyed my wife, who was signing the loudest.

Once the candles were blown out and I was finished thanking everyone for coming, I searched for Courtney. She was sitting on the sofa laughing joyously with Carly and I took in a moment to look her over. The years had been good to her, she was even more beautiful than the twenty two year old girl I fell in love with. Her long blonde hair had been cut to her shoulders and dyed a light brown, which to me was more appealing. She still had the same petite frame and captivating baby blue eyes.

"Hey! There's the birthday boy!" Courtney laughed as she pointed to me a few feet away. I walked over with a look deviousness on my face.

"You just wait and see what I'm planning for your birthday, babe." She grinned but didn't say anything as she kissed me softly on the lips.

"Get a room," Emma muttered as passed by her parents in slight disgust.

"Love you too, Emmy…" Courtney called after her. "So, how does it feel to be the big four five?"

"You love rubbing it in, don't you?" I growled, which elicited a bat of her eyelashes.

"I got something for you," she whispered tugging my sleeve in the direction of our bedroom.

"Now sweetheart, don't you think it's rude to leave all of our guests," I wagged my eyebrows suggestively and was met with a hard slap in the stomach.

"Get your mind out of the gutter," she ordered shoving the door to our bedroom open. I watched her rifle through the drawers until finally coming up with a thin wrapped box. She passed it to me and I could see the anxiousness in her eyes as she waited for me to open it. When she decided that I was moving to slow, she took the box back and ripped the "Happy Birthday" wrapping paper herself.

"Hey!" I yelled in fake anger and she just smiled.

"Well, if you would hurry up and open it!" Deciding to do as I was told I pulled the top off and began searching through the mound of tissue paper. I finally found the photo album and looked at her quizzically. She prodded me to open the book and on the first page I found photos of us looking happy and young. As I leafed further through, I saw vacation, family, and baby pictures. Some had Sonny, Carly and the boys in them, but most were of our immediate family. Jay's second birthday, Emma's first day of school, our first wedding as well as our second were all placed in strategic order along with other memento's that made up our lives together.

"Do you like it?" Her eyes searched mine for some sort of confirmation. I nodded leaning forward to kiss her passionately on the lips.

"I love it," I whispered in between kisses and she giggled softly.

"Remember the guests, Jase." She pushed herself up off the bed and towards the door. "Plus, there will be plenty of time later. Carly and Sonny are taking the kids for the night." She grinned before returning to the party. I looked down once more at the album. It was a life that most people would kill for and I was lucky enough to call it my own.

_Remember when we said when we turned gray  
When the children grow up and move away  
We won't be sad, we'll be glad  
For all the life we've had  
And we'll remember when_

We sold the Penthouse soon after Jay graduated college. He was living in Boston now, working with some powerful law firm. Go figure, Jason "the enforcer" Morgan's son was an attorney, there's that irony popping up again. Emma was an actress; she always did have a flare for the dramatics.

Sam had come out of the woodwork soon after their daughter hit it big. It wasn't a shock to anyone, but Courtney took it extremely hard as Sam tried to steal her spot in Emma's heart. Their daughter seemed unaffected by it, though. She let her biological mother con her way into her life, but never took her too seriously. "She may biologically be my mother, but you're my mom." She once told Courtney and wasted no time in explaining that fact to Sam, who seemed unfazed by the comment. She continued to force her way into Emma's career and it took almost losing everything for Emma to finally tell her to take a hike. They hadn't heard from her since. Sonny and Carly moved to the island once the boys began their own families. The Morgan/Corinthos clan reunites once a year, which is more than enough.

"What are you thinking about, babe?" Courtney enters the balcony in a flowing white sundress. Paris does get hot around this time of year.

"Oh, I'm just thinking…" I reply watching as she takes a seat on the arm of my chair. I snake my hand around her waist, pulling her into the chair with me.

"Emma just called. She said that she is taking the first flight to Boston tomorrow and then she and Jay are going to fly out here together. She's bringing a boy with her," Courtney rushed the last part out and my eyebrow immediately rises. "At least, she is bringing this one home."

"This one?" I ask in surprise.

"Come on, Jason! She's twenty-five! Are you really that naïve to think that she's never had a boyfriend?" She laughed.

"My baby girl does not date and if she did than I would know about it," I try to reassure myself, but the soft giggling beside me is not helping. "I would!"

"Oh yeah, of course you would," The blonde nods in agreement trying desperately to keep from breaking into hysterics. A comfortable silence envelopes us and I pull her a little tighter into my chest. It seems surreal that our twenty eighthth wedding anniversary is right around the corner. After all the tumultuous years our relationship has endured, it feels good to be able to enjoy our so called "golden years" together. I know that she misses Port Charles and all the times we had there with the kids and Sonny and Carly across the hall. We promised ourselves that would we remain upbeat, though. Growing old isn't the most exciting thing in the world, but it's worth all the memories.

Our marriage may not have started out perfect, but it sure ended up that way and I wouldn't change all the hardships for anything. I feel her lean up and kiss me softly on the corner of my mouth.

"I love you," she whispers before laying her head down and closing her eyes. Yeah, I definetly wouldn't change my life for world.

_Remember when  
Remember when_


	5. Angel's Son

**Disclaimer:  **I don't anything.  The characters belong to GH and the song "Angel's Son" belongs to Sevendust.

**Summary:  **Set a few years in the future.  Jason and Courtney's relationship ends on a tragic note.

**Angel's Son**

****

_Life is changing   
I can't go on without you   
Rearranging. I will be strong   
I'll stand by you_

            Cancer.  Its ridiculous how one little word can change your life so profoundly, but it does in the most indescribable way.  Courtney Morgan was only twenty-eight with a loving husband and twins waiting patiently at home for her.  Surely she was too young to succumb to such a deadly disease.  How was she going to be able explain it to Jason or her own children for that matter?

            "Courtney?" She noticed the look of sympathy in Monica's eyes as she rested a soft hand on the young woman's shoulder.

            "It was only a few headaches," her daughter-in-law mumbled.  She had been getting migraines off and on for the past few months, but had accredited it to the fact that the twins were in their terrible two's.  It was Jason who forced her to come to the hospital for a check up and now she was going home with worries of an incurable disease clouding her mind.  

            "Do you want me to call someone for you?" The older blonde was obviously worried about Courtney's state of mind and wondered if she would be able to make it home without running her own car off the road.

            "I'm fine," she assured, but could tell that she wasn't fooling anyone.

            "There are plenty of options to explore, dear.  Please don't give up hope…" the doctor advised, but they both knew that the young woman was a goner.  The cancer had spread so quickly and before long it would engulf her youthful body.  
--------------------

            The ride to the penthouse had been hazy; she was lucky to make it in one piece.  She entered the brightly lit parlor to find her husband lounging on the couch.  He never was able to keep up with Cadence and Justin's insatiable energy.  Speaking of the kids, she searched the room and was unable to come up with her two bundles of joy.

            "Little early for nap time, don't you think?" She managed to get out and grab his attention. He looked over his shoulder to find her standing uncomfortably in the entrance and could tell immediately that something wasn't right.  He tried desperately to ignore the butterflies in the pit of his stomach.

            "It's never too early for nap time." He replied motioning for her to take a seat next to him, but she remained stone-like in her position. "What's wrong?" The question was unsteady as he mentally prepared himself for her response.  They had been through so much already and there was nothing that could tear them apart, he was sure of it.   

            "I'm leaving you," she uttered through the tears that were now rapidly pouring down her cheeks. It was for the best, she decided somewhere between the doctor's office and home.  She didn't want him to have to watch her die slowly nor did she want that for her kids.  She could go away and die quietly and alone without burdening any of her loved ones with the tragedy.  They would never have to know about the illness and the inevitable mourning would be substituted with hate. Hate would make it easier for her husband to move on and she wanted that for him.  He deserved to be happy with someone who can keep him company for the rest of his life, which unfortunately was no longer her. "I don't want this life anymore.  I…umm…I need to get away from…" she stuttered, but could not get the statement from her shivering lips.  Jason was up in a heartbeat to wrap his arms around his hysterical wife.  "Oh god, I'm not going to make it," was all she kept whispering quietly into his shirt. 

            "I need you to tell me what's going on." He pleaded almost in tears himself, but was met with sobs.  "You know that I'm not going anywhere and neither are you." 

            "It'll be easier on everyone," her response came out at as a strangled cry, which only forced Jason to hold on tighter. 

            "Tell me, Courtney." He pulled back to enable himself a clear view of her crystal blue eyes.  She tried to avert his gaze, but was unsuccessful.

            "Cancer…" she answered before falling back into his arms.  He could feel his heart drop to floor. 

_You were fighting everyday  
So hard to hide the pain   
I know you never said goodbye  
I had so much left to say_

            Jason entered General Hospital with a disconcerting look his face.  It had been exactly six months and two weeks since Courtney had been diagnosed and her health steadily deteriorated.  Every possible option had been exhausted and there was no longer any sign of hope along the horizon.  When she was checked into the hospital close to a month ago, everyone knew that it would probably be the last time, except of course for her. 

She had started out so discouraged, but soon morphed into a stronger woman than the one he married.  She was so sure that she could beat this thing, because her family needed her.  There was no talk of death in front of her and the "what if's" that plagued his mind as well as Sonny and Carly's went unspoken.  It stung to watch her hold on steadfast to the hope of some cure, which was probably never to be found.  

            "Jason," he looked up to see an obviously bewildered Alan with Monica a few feet away.  The look of uncertainty as well as remorse stopped his heart instantly.  He wanted to collapse right where he stood, but knew for the sake of everyone involved that he had to remain strong. 

            "What happened?" He didn't even realize that he spoke until he heard his own words float through the air.

            "She's slipped into a coma, Jase." Monica squeaked out as she reached out to him, but was met with a violent shrug.

            "Can she pull through?"

            "It's very unlikely.  The cancer has taken such a toll her that I don't believe she has the strength to wake herself up.  And even if she does regain conscious, there is a good chance of severe brain damage.  It's best just to let her go," Alan explained quietly.

            "Can I see her?" Both of his parents nodded and watched as he stalked quietly towards her hospital room.

The potent smell of chemicals and flowers invaded his nostrils as he entered the place that his wife had been calling home for the past month.  He carefully treaded over to the cushiony chair that had been placed strategically next to her bed. Even in her sleep-like state, exhaustion was evident.  Her face was gaunt and black bags covered most of the space underneath her eyes.  She had lost most of her hair during the chemo, but the strands that were growing back resembled straw.  He reached down to cover her bony hand with his own.  She had lost so much weight that she was literally down to skin and bones. 

            The fact that she was no longer in pain brought some solace to him.  She never complained, but he could tell when the severity of the headaches increased to the point where she could no longer stand.   The endless struggle had beaten her body up very badly, and he was sure that there wasn't one part of her that wasn't in a constant ache.  The pain medication had helped, but not enough to wipe away the grimace that graced her face with every movement.  In the next breath, though, she would offer a huge smile to whoever was in her presence.  Courtney was a fighter, but unfortunately the cancer was more than a worthy opponent.

            "What am I going to do?" He asked gently.  "It wasn't supposed to be like this.  I need you, Cadence and Justin need you.  Emily beat this, why can't you?"  His anger was slowly turning into rage, which he then directed at himself.  _Do you really think this is her fault?  Do you really think she wants to leave her children behind?_ His mind asked in annoyance. He could feel the tears threatening to fall and for once he didn't try to force him back.  "I'm sorry, I know this isn't your fault.  I just don't know what to do without you.  There were so many things that we were going to say and do, but now… I wasn't ready for this." He tried to regain his composure.  "You never even gave me the chance to say goodbye…"

_One last song   
Given to an Angel's Son   
As soon as you were gone   
As soon as you were gone_

Jason watched Carly and Sonny's faces fall the second he entered the Penthouse.  Carly immediately ran into his arms trying to soothe his grief with her own.

            "I'm so sorry, Jase…" she mumbled through her tears, but it was too much for the young man to take in.

            "Where are the kids?"

            "They're upstairs," Sonny replied taking his weeping wife off of his best friend's hands.  He headed to the children's room with the difficult task of explaining why their mom was no longer going to be around.  When he entered the play area he noticed his son and daughter fast asleep, arms around one another.  The image broke his already tattered heart.  Not knowing what else to do, he carefully lifted them up, one in each arm, and made the short trek to their bedroom.  He placed Cadence down first and while she stirred slightly, sleep quickly overtook her once again.

            "Dad…" Justin greeted looking up at his father through squinted eyes.

            "Hey," he whispered before depositing him down in his bed across the room from his sister.  "Why don't you go back to sleep, buddy?"

            "Momma?" Jason felt a wave of nausea settle in as curiosity entered into his son's huge blue eyes. 

            "Momma can't be here right now, but she is watching over you…" was the best response he could come up with. The explanation seemed to suffice as the young boy curled up and drifted into slumber.    How does one explain death to a two year old? 

--------------------

The funeral and memorial service had occurred and went rather smoothly.  Sonny had handled mostly everything, considering the fragile state his best friend was in.  People from all over Port Charles and Atlantic City had shown up to honor Courtney as well as the foundation she worked tirelessly to keep afloat.  AJ had crawled out from whatever rock he was under to attend the services, which was a shock to everyone, including the Quartermaines, who were also out in full force.   Jax and Brenda sat in the back in quiet mourning, each one with their own separate memories of the blonde beauty.  Jax's mostly centered on their fledgling relationship which later turned into one of the strongest friendships in his life. While Brenda remembered Courtney and Jason's fairytale love. 

Everyone had their own view of what Courtney Matthews-Morgan was, some were accurate, but none could compare to the crisp image that was settled in her husband's mind. Most everyone steered clear of the grieving husband, except to offer condolences.  He seemed untouchable due to the sadness that engulfed his once clear eyes.  The twins stayed dutifully by their sullen father's side, trying hard not to worry their already distressed parent.  It was miraculous that the two years olds had any concept of the proceedings, but they seemed to understand more than the adults. 

            The burial was the hardest part of all.  The priest offered some words before turning the ceremony over to Jason.  Why he chose to speak there instead of the memorial service was a mystery to everyone and no one really wanted to question his motives.  Jason took a stand next the priest, peering out into the sea of mourners that had crowded into a semi-circle around the casket.

            "Courtney was the purest soul I have ever known and it was an honor just to be a participant in her life.  Why she deemed me important enough to love is something I'm unsure of, but will forever be grateful for." He took a deep breath blinking back the tears that were fresh in his eyes.  He refused to cry in front of these people.  "I can stand up here and explain to you how genuine and sweet of person she was, but anyone who knew her for longer than ten minutes could attest to that.  I know that she would not want us to wallow in sadness for her, because she would never wish that kind of pain on anyone.  Instead I ask of you, on behalf of my wife, to live your life to fullest.  I know how trite that sounds, but I truly believe that is what she would want for everyone who cared about her.  She embraced each day and even taught me to do the same.  She taught me not to take things for granted, especially the people you love.  I will forever be grateful for the lessons she so graciously bestowed on me and plan to instill them in our children, because they are the greatest gift she ever gave me.  So please don't let a day go by without telling someone how you feel about them, because unfortunately tomorrow is never guaranteed…"  He finished and the audience was taken aback.  Never had Jason Morgan spoke so candidly to any of them individually, never mind to them as a group.

            The casket was slowly lowered and a quiet sob escaped Cadence, who was being held tightly in Sonny's arms.  Jason immediately reached for her and the little girl climbed quickly into her Dad's embrace.  It was their son who crawled/walked over to the casket to drop one last rose onto his mother's final resting site. 

_I have a new life now   
She lives through you   
What can I do   
I feel so alone now   
I pray for you   
We still love you_

            Jason stood still in front of the chiseled granite stone, the image of a tiny Justin bidding a final farewell to his mother was replaying in his mind on a loop.  It was hard to believe that it was close to the fifteen years ago that it occurred.  His life was drastically different, but yet eerily the same.  He kept his family close, but could no longer live in the penthouse; instead he optioned to buy a little home a few blocks away from Sonny and Carly.  His children were his life and there was no way that he would offer them any less than his complete attention during their youth, but now they were growing up and moving away.  They had college and careers to start, which were taking them far away from Port Charles.

            He always knew that it would happen, but could not prepare himself for the empty home that he was now faced with.  He found himself coming to the cemetery more and more often in an effort to feel close to Courtney.  Emily had instilled in him a habit of going to church once a week to light a candle for his deceased wife. "It helped when I thought that I lost Nikolas," she explained in hopes of bringing peace to her brother and it did ease him slightly.  He wanted to move on and had somewhat when Robin returned to Port Charles a few years ago.  Their romance was not passionate, but more of a mutual partnership, neither wanted to spend their lives alone. Cadence had originally been on guard towards her, but let up slightly when she noticed the comfort that Robin brought her father.  Everyone knew that there was no one who could ever fill Courtney's spot in his heart, but that didn't stop him from trying to get on with his life. 

            "You alright, Dad?" Cadence came up next him with a look of worry etched on her angelic face.  She was the spitting image of her mother, right down to the long blonde hair and bright blue eyes. 

            "I'm fine, babe…" he whispered.  His daughter reached over wrap a comforting arm around his waist and offered a small smile.

            "Aunt Carly said I reminded her of mom…"

            "That's probably the best compliment you'll ever receive." Her father responded and was met with a nod.

            "Do you really think I'm like her?"

            "Yeah, you have her kind heart and I know that she would be proud of the work you've been doing with the foundation," he responded.  When Cadence turned sixteen she gained control of the floundering foundation that her mother tried so hard to keep alive.  Within six months, the Courtney Matthews foundation was back on track helping battered and abused children.  Justin did his fair share, organizing the books while his sister set up events. 

            "You know I have one memory of her…" Jason looked at her with a raised eyebrow.  "It's pretty cloudy, because I was so young…I just remember her standing over me and Justin singing some lullaby and she was making all these goofy faces trying her hardest to entertain us…" She finished with a far away look.

            "Yeah, well she would have done anything to make you guys laugh…" His voice hitched slightly as remembered how well motherhood suited his wife.  She did some of the craziest things to make her children smile, like spilling milk on herself in an effort to stop Justin from crying. It worked.

            "You can tell me if you don't want me to go.  I could stay behind a year." Cadence offered quietly.  She had dreaded the day that she would have leave her father behind.  He had devoted his whole life to her and Justin and it hardly seemed right to walk away from that.  "After all, who wants to live alone with Robin?"

            "First of all, you're going to college and Justin is going to start his job in Detroit, because you are both to smart to settle here in Port Charles." Jason replied forcefully.  "And Robin isn't so bad."

            "Yeah, but…"

            "Not buts.  Plus, it's not like you're never going to see me again." He assured.

            "I know." She agreed softly.  "I'm sorry that you miss her so much…"

            "I'm sorry that you never really got to know her," he returned.

            "I kind of feel like I do I know her." Cadence replied.  "I mean the way that you, Uncle Sonny, Aunt Carly, and even Michael speak of her…I have a pretty clear picture." She elaborated and was met with silence.  "I know it's going to sound awful, but I'm kind of glad that I don't have very many memories of her, because I wouldn't want to remember her sick."

            "I understand that.  I wish that I never had to see her through that…" His statement tapered off when he saw the tears forming in his daughter's eyes.

            "It hardly seems fair with everything that you two went through and then have it snatched away." She said referring to all the stories she had heard about her parent's star-crossed love affair.

            "It's not, but there's nothing I can do to change it.  So, I accept it and take comfort in the memories that we made together.  And when that's not enough, I have you and Justin to remind me of her.  There was nothing that she loved more than you two."  He brought his daughter close to him and both stood in quiet memoriam of the woman that was Courtney Matthews-Morgan: a mother and wife to some, but a friend to all.

_You were fighting everyday  
So hard to hide the pain   
I know you never said goodbye  
I had so much left to say _

_--------------------  
_**A/N**:  So what did you think?  I know it's kind of sad, but I really like the song and wanted to find a way to incorporate it into a fic.  Okay, so I promise that the next installment will have …gasp… a happy ending and hopefully it will be set in the time frame of the show, instead of the future.  Thanks for reading…


	6. My All

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. The characters belong to GH and the song _My All_ belongs to Mariah Carey.

Summary: Set during the current story line, which means Courtney knows that Sam's baby isn't Jason's. I think there's going to be a happy ending, even if the song doesn't call for one. Enjoy!

I am thinking of you  
In my sleepless solitude tonight  
If it's wrong to love you  
Then my heart just won't let me be right  
'Cause I've drowned in you  
And I won't pull through  
Without you by my side

Courtney rolled over for what seemed like the umpteenth time that night. Why was she even thinking about him? Jason lied to her, something he swore he would never do. Yet, his beautiful blue eyes are still haunting her, reminding her of the love that they shared, a love that she hadn't fully given up on. Not that she would ever admit that to anyone, but in the back of her mind there was something that had yet to let go of Jason Morgan.

There were a thousand reasons why their marriage didn't work out and why they didn't belong together. She was naïve to his career, while he was naïve towards her. They never really belonged together, but that's what drove her even closer towards. It hurt to be with anyone other than him and she wasn't quite sure why. Jax was a great guy, but her heart refused to beat for him like it did for Jason. All the mind-blowing kisses were great, but they didn't compare to Jason's soft passionate caresses.

She pushed the covers off of her in annoyance and began to pace the small area around her bed. Why was she thinking about her ex husband's touch? Why was she doing this to herself? _Because you miss him_, her mind answered. _He's a liar_, she tried in vain to convince herself, but it was useless. However wrong it was, Jason was just trying to save his nephew as well as best friend the unbearable pain of having to deal with the situation. She wanted to be mad at him for deciding to shelter them, but could not find it in her to truly be angry. Everyone has done dumb things to protect the people they love, but what got to her the most was that he didn't even bother to protect her. Sure, they hadn't been on the best of terms since the divorce, but never in her mind did she think that he would deliberately hurt her.

After throwing on a pair of jeans and sweatshirt, she set off out of her apartment. Sleep obviously wasn't going to be a friend to her tonight, not with all the questions that were swirling around her head. A brisk walk might help clear her head. The streets of Port Charles were deserted, which made her feel better. Jason and Sonny would kill her if they knew about her three am stroll, but at this point she was beyond caring.

Baby, can you feel me  
Imagining I'm looking in your eyes  
I can see you clearly  
Vividly emblazoned in my mind  
And yet you're so far  
Like a distant star  
I'm wishing on tonight

Courtney felt safe under the dark sky that blanketed her town. There were few stars out on the cloudy night, but the ones she did come across were shining bright. Taking a seat on a bench in the middle of the park she let herself gaze upwards. Why was his image constantly on her mind? Why couldn't she just let go? The sky offered no answers to the questions that were embedded on her mind.

For some unknown reason, the memory of her and Jason's first kiss came to mind. It was raining so hard and they were soaking wet. She wasn't even sure how it got to that point, one moment she was ripping him off of Coleman and the next his lips were on hers. It was the most amazing kiss she had ever taken part in. When she pulled away she remembered the way his eyes were still blazing with passion and the way his wet hair fell over his forehead. She was so afraid of the feelings that the kiss evoked, but intrigued at the same time. Every moment of that night was clear in her memory, the way he looked as well as the way she looked. How everything was so chaotic except for the few moments that she was in his arms. Of course, she ran straight to her husband and threw everything she had into her marriage, but it was too late because one taste of Jason had left her craving for so much more.

Letting out a sigh, she lifted her weary body up and began to walk again. She wandered the streets aimlessly until she stopped in front of Harborview Towers. In her exhaustion, she hadn't been paying attention to where her legs were taking her. Courtney thought about turning around, but stopped to allow herself a quick peek into the window of Jason's Penthouse. The light was still on, which led her to believe that he was just as restless as her, but probably for a different reason. He was probably worried about Sam or Carly…not her, because after all, she was only his ex wife. But, deep down she knew that it wasn't true, what she shared with Jason went beyond the bounds of marriage and divorce. It was a deeper connection that kept them together and one that refused to rest. He couldn't have meant to hurt; she was probably just a casualty. _Why are you justifying his actions_? She asked herself, but the only answer that came to mind was that she loved him and didn't want to believe that he would intentionally hurt her.

I'd give my all  
To have just one more night with you  
_I'd risk my life  
To feel your body next to mine  
'Cause I can't go on  
Living in the memory of our song  
I'd give my all  
For your love tonight_

She wasn't quite sure what possessed her to enter the building and take the elevator up to his floor. She felt this overwhelming need to be near him, it was like she was drawn to him. Raising her hand to knock, the full reality of what she was doing set in. It was 3:30 am and she was at her ex husband's door, while her "boyfriend" slept peacefully in his bed. Nevertheless, she let her hand fall and waited a few moments for Jason to answer the door. Courtney watched a wave of concern come across his weary face. He always did assume the worst.

"I'm fine. Nothing's wrong," she assured and saw him ease up slightly. She let herself take in the view; he was dressed in a pair of jeans and no shirt, his muscular chest exposed.

"What are you doing here?" He asked quietly. "If it's about Sam, than I really don't want to hear it."

"It's not about Sam." She confirmed. "It's about us." He looked at her quizzically, but didn't respond. All the blood was rushing to her face as she tried to force the words out, but unfortunately her mouth remained clamped shut.

"What about us?"

"Umm…well you see," she stuttered trying desperately to come up with an explanation, but her mind was frozen. Her unwavering need for him was clouding her head. "You know what, this was a bad idea. I'm sorry…" She tried to cut her losses and leave, but the light haired man's hand stopped her. They stood face to face and for the first time in a long time, Courtney felt understood. There was nothing she could say that wasn't written clearly in her eyes and Jason was reading them like a book.

"I'm sorry," he offered. "I never wanted to lie to you. It was just the only way to save Michael." The blonde woman didn't say anything and he became increasingly uncomfortable with her silence. He wanted for her to understand how sorry he truly was. "It was stupid, I know." She reached up and rested her soft hand on his cheek. "I could never cheat on you." His eyes locked with hers, which were beginning to become glassy with tears.

"I still love you," she confessed. "I tried to find a way to let go, but damn it Morgan, you're like a disease." She kidded, trying hard to ease the tension that settled between the two. She saw a small smile graze his lips and it immediately brought one to her own mouth. "I am sorry that you're not going to be a father."

"That doesn't matter," he whispered.

"Yes, it does. I know you, Jason and I know that you want a family."

"You're my family," her replied with affection. She leaned in and kissed him hard on the lips. His hands slid through her blonde mane.

"Tell me that we can make it work this time," Courtney whispered pulling away from his touch. Her hair was messed and lips swollen from the fervor of his kisses.

"There's nothing I want more." Jason responded before leading Courtney towards the bedroom._I'd give my all  
To have just one more night with you  
I'd risk my life  
To feel your body next to mine  
'Cause I can't go on  
Living in the memory of our song  
I'd give my all  
For your love tonight  
Give my all for your love  
Tonight_

_

* * *

_

**A/N**: How's that for a happy ending? I know that it's not necessarily realistic, but it is a soap opera. Ok, well let me know whatcha think.


	7. Broken

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. The characters belong to GH while the song "Broken" belongs to Seether and Amy Lee

Summary: Set during the time that Courtney moved into the room above Kelly's. My version of how they should have put Jason and Courtney back together. It's going to be told through split point of views. Enjoy

****

Broken:

Jason's POV

I wanted you to know I love the way you laugh  
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away  
I keep your photograph; I know it serves me well  
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

I never really noticed how quiet the Penthouse is when you're not in it. Not that you are a particularly loud person, but your voice and laughter added something more to the silence that once saturated the rooms. God, it's only been a few weeks since you left, but it feels like years. I miss everything about our relationship, the good and the bad. How has everything turned to shit so quickly?

I saw the pain in your eyes everyday after the miscarriage, but I was powerless to ease it. I wanted to take the burden off of your shoulders and carry it on my own. We both knew that it was impossible though, because it was something that you wanted to handle yourself. The pain made you feel better about the loss, which is probably why you were so angry with me most of the time. I couldn't share in that pain, because you didn't think I could feel it. The truth is that I did. I felt every emotion possible, but it was easier to keep it to myself rather than cause you anymore stress. It sort of backfired, because my bottled up feelings ending up forcing more stress upon you.

I can remember the times when we were happy, like the time we spent at that casino in the islands. I won so much money, but it didn't matter because it wasn't money that I was betting on. I was betting on your happiness, winning was just a plus. I'll never forget how your high-pitched giggle would ring throughout the casino with every hand. It brought a smile to my face because I knew I was the one that was bringing you enjoyment. I don't smile much anymore. My face is set in a constant scowl because now I realize that I'm the one that's inflicting the tears that shine so brightly in your eyes.

I spare myself a glance at the picture gripped tightly in my hands. The edges are creased from it's home in my wallet, but I refuse to remove it from it's place behind my ATM card. The picture offers my hope for a future with you. The smile that graces your face gives me the strength to fight another day, because I hope that eventually you'll come back. All the anger and hurt aside, I always thought that we were destined to be together no matter how hard each of us try to push it away.

_'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome  
And I don't feel right when you're gone away_

_You're gone away; You don't feel me here anymore_

I was always the guy who never needed anyone. I could get by without any human interaction. I didn't need love or the hurt that came along with it, but you changed that with one twinkle of your periwinkle eyes. You told me how you much you felt for me and barged right into my heart. You worked so stubbornly to defend our relationship to anyone who would listen and refused to go down without a fight. So, I slowly gave into the feelings I felt for you and look where it has left me. I'm alone and never been more numb in my entire life.

When you walked out, it was like my whole world stopped. I hate the fact that you wrecked me, but I hate even more that you had the power to do it. I've never let anyone have that control over me, because somehow I knew it would always end up this way. Me alone.

There is nothing I wouldn't give to have you back here with me, instead of above Kelly's with Brian. God, I hate the fact that he lives across the hall. I tell you to be careful, because he's a cop, but more than that I know he's a man who wants my wife. I'm aching with worry that someday you'll finally figure out that you deserve so much more than the life I have to offer and will ride off into the sunset with Sheriff Beck.

What's worst is that I can never voice my fears, because I'm not suppose to be so upset. No, I'm suppose to be the strong one that doesn't have any uncertainties about the end of our marriage. I tell Carly that everything is going to be fine, but now I am no longer sure. I see the haunting look in your eyes, like you don't even know me any longer. How can I expect you to understand me? I'm not even sure who I am anymore…

Courtney's POV

The worst is over now and we can breathe again  
I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away  
There's so much left to learn, and no one left to fight  
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

I'm not quite sure what exactly I'm doing outside your door. I must be clinically insane, because there is no other plausible explanation for what I'm about to do. I was the one that walked. I was the one that said we were done, but here I am hoping like hell that it's not too late to get back what we once had. I've spent the last few nights, thinking about what exactly my life has become and this is what I've boiled it down to. I am a twenty four year old woman who has spent the better part of two years fighting for her "true love" only to walk away when things became to real. How pathetic is that?

Maybe the problem is that there is no longer any obstacles in our way. We don't have my dad or Sonny to defend our love to. We only have each other, which is clearly becoming a way harder battle. I can see the hurt in your eyes when you come into Kelly's. I know that you're trying to hide it for my sake, but you are forgetting how well I can read you. I don't want to acknowledge the fact that it's my fault that you look so worn out, but it is. I notice the worry that overtakes you normal confident stance when I'm with Brian. Never in my life did I ever think that I could make anyone jealous, never mind you. Instead of being proud of the feeling I evoke, I feel sickened with myself. I don't ever want you to feel hurt because of me, especially if it's something that can easily be remedied. I could never picture myself with anyone other than you, but things are so different that our relationship is barely recognizable anymore.

We used to know everything about one another, but it's as if this Pandora's box has been opened and things that I once believed are being disproved. I thought that there was nothing that our marriage couldn't withstand, but now I'm no longer sure. I do know that I'm not ready to give up, not yet. We could build on this to make our union stronger and that's exactly what I intend to do.

_'Cause I'm broken when I'm open   
And I don't feel like I am strong enough  
'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome  
And I don't feel right when you're gone away_

For some reason, I cannot force myself to open the door. Max is throwing me confused glances, but I easily brush them off. I just need a few moments longer to get myself together. I feel so raw without any form of protection from you're reaction. That is what worries me the most. What if you have already decided to cut your losses and move on? I couldn't handle that. Hell, I can't even handle living in an apartment without you.

I would like to think that I am not as weak as I seem. However, when it's come to you, I am nowhere near brave. I just know that there is no longer anyway I can continue living like I am. I play it off that I am fine, but that's so far from the truth. I haven't slept well, because I you haunt me in my dreams. Reminding me of times when your touch was all I needed to get through the day. Brian tells me that the pain will inevitably fade and our marriage will become a distant "nightmare". I then told him in a few choice words that our marriage while not always blissful was the best thing that ever happened to me.

I am lonely though and not quite sure why. I spent almost my entire childhood alone and it never bothered me. But now, I can't handle it. I thank god for Carly's visits and even Sonny is a welcome presence in my cell, that's what my room is, a cell. My pride keeps me prisoner, but not for much longer because I am done spending my nights without your arms around me.

Jason's POV__

'Cause I'm broken when I'm open  
And I don't feel like I am strong enough  
'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome  
And I don't feel right when you're gone away  


I hear a sharp knock ring through the dark and for a second I'm sure that my mind is playing tricks on me, but soon the pounding begins again. Forcing my weary body out of bed, I drag myself down stairs and to the door. It was probably Carly having one of her freak outs, which meant that he would have to ease her fears. That could easily take most of the night. Another knock and I'm beginning to lose my patience.

"Damn it, Carly! I'm coming," I call practically ripping the door off it's hinges. Instead of my best friend, I am faced with another blonde. She seems nervous about something as she pushes her hands deeper into the pockets of her blue jeans. Courtney's hair is pulled back in a messy ponytail that falls just below her shoulders. She looks chilly in her T-shirt. Strike that. My T-shirt. Not quite sure of the nature of her visit, but happy to see her all the same. I quickly usher her into the Penthouse. She begins to pace the length of the entranceway, but doesn't say anything.

"Everything ok?"

Courtney's POV

I'm not sure why his question catches me so off guard. I should have known that his first instinct is to worry. I look up into his shadowy blue eyes and nod, but can't force a verbal response. He seems to understand, though and takes a seat on the nearby sofa. I follow him and he wraps a comforting arm around my shoulders as I lay my head on his heart. I feel him recline back and let his hand rub soft circles on the exposed skin of my upper arm. He doesn't want an explanation and I don't offer one. We both know that words are beyond useless at this point, there is nothing that can be said that isn't already being conveyed in silence. And for once, I'm okay with the silence, because at least I'm not in it alone.

_  
'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome  
And I don't feel right when you're gone away  
You're gone away; You don't feel me here anymore._

_

* * *

_

_**A/N**: _I know that I promised another chapter to Caught In A Jar within the week, but unfortunately I don't see that happening. I have a minor case of writers block as far as CIJ goes. I also want to be able to finish up Last Train Home in the near future, which means that's where most of my energy is going to be placed. Once LTH is done, you can expect Caught In A Jar to be updated more frequently.


	8. Come Home Soon

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. The characters belong to GH and the song _Come Home Soon_ belongs to SHeDAISY

Summary: Set after the August 18th episode. What if the so called "reunion" didn't end at the Penthouse?

****

Come Home Soon:

I put away the groceries  
And I take my daily bread  
I dream of your arms around me  
As I tuck the kids in bed

How could I have been so stupid? To think that I could actually medicate my pain with sex. Sex with Jax, of all people. I'm just glad he stopped it before I could truly regret it. Letting out a sigh, I notice a bag of groceries sitting on the corner of the kitchen counter. I know my dad dropped them off. Making a mental note to thank him, I began to place each item in the hard cherry wood cabinets of my tiny kitchen. I'm thankful for the distraction, but know it's a fleeting sense of usefulness.

The day and it's events are on my mind as I slide into the cool empty bed. The sheets are still rumpled from the momentary glitch with Jax, but for some reason it doesn't bother me as much as it should. My thoughts are centered around my daughter. My sweet baby girl that never had a chance. **Our** sweet baby girl. I refuse to cry, because lord knows that I've done enough of that today. The tears may be kept at bay, but the images scattered throughout my brain are not.

I used to imagine our life filled with family, love and happiness. You would be a great father and I would be a great mother and our children would be well…great. We would have the perfect family with the perfect marriage. It's corny, I know, but that's why it's a dream. Of course, you're still going to be a great father but coupled with a so-so mother. I mean let's face it, I saw how uncomfortable Sam seemed with Morgan.

I jump when a screaming siren whizzes past my building. The blue and red multicolored lights shine briefly through my window, just long enough for me to take in the emptiness of it. I momentarily wonder if the PCPD is coming for you or Sonny, but we both know that you wouldn't jeopardize your freedom today. No not today of all days.

I don't know what you're doin'  
And I don't know where you are  
But I look up at that great big sky  
And I hope you're wishin' on that same  
bright star  
I wonder. I pray

Carly is probably back from her daytime excursion, which means that you're no longer watching Morgan. I wonder what you're doing instead. Lounging on the couch with Sam? God, the name alone makes me sick. I know that it shouldn't, but it does. She has everything I wanted and doesn't even deserve it. I'm not one to call people out, but it's hard to provide sympathy to a woman who has done nothing but whine and bitch since the day I met her.

The thought of the petite brunette makes my blood boil and I can do nothing but begin to pace the area around my bed. The floor feels cool under my bare feet and it helps calm me. It's funny how little things can have that affect over a person. I remember when you once told that the night sky always kept you steady. The stars and long bike rides were your keys to calmness. As if on cue, my eyes flick outward to the inky black sky that's littered with thousands of tiny yellow lights.

The sky doesn't help me at all. All it does is remind me of how you left. How I left. Because sadly, I am not the same woman you married or even fell in love with. That girl died a long time ago and is slowly being replaced with bitterness and jadedness. I don't want to be the person that I am now. I want to believe in love and everything that comes along with it. I don't want to have to pretend to happy. I just want to **be** happy. Is that so wrong?

I ball my hands into fist and clench so tight that my knuckles are quickly turning white. It's a knee-jerk reaction for when I'm upset. My mom once told me that it looks like I'm trying to fight away all the emotions and at this point I wish I could. I wish I could kick box all the pain, regret, and self loathing away.

A bright twinkle catches my eye. It feels like the small glimmer of light is mocking me; reminding me of times when wishing on a star was enough. But it's not enough and hasn't been for years now. Still unable to stop myself, I close my eyes and offer up one solitary hope.

And I sleep alone  
I cry alone  
And it's so hard living here on my own  
So please, come home soon  
(Come home soon)  
I know that we're together.  
Even though we're far apart  
And I'll wear our luck penny around my neck  
Pressed to my heart

I open my eyes and let my gaze drift over to the unoccupied bed. _Wishes don't come true,_ I remind myself. Because if they did then you would be here as well as our daughter, but once again it's just me alone.

I let my fingertips wander along the soft white sheet as my mind reverts back. We had some good times in this bed. Your side remains untouched because even in my unconscious state I can never bring myself to take up the left side. As silly as it sounds, I know that once someone else lies in that area (even if it's me) than we are over. Every other reminder of you in the loft is gone but that still haunts me.

I've said it once and I'll say it again, I can never thank Jax enough for stopping our love making. I can only imagine the guilt I would feel waking up next to him instead of you. How sad is that? I would rather stay alone than let someone else take your spot. Do you even feel the same way about me? If you ever sleep with Sam are you going to let her have the right side? Are you going to tell her all the things you told me about love and neediness? Are you going to have long heartfelt conversations with her? _You're torturing yourself_, my mind screams, but I find myself unable to stop. Are you going to hold her like you held me? Keep her safe from her immature fear of thunder and lightening?

_This needs to stop, _I order myself. I chose to live in solitude, it doesn't mean that you have to do the same. But I wish you would. I like Jax, I really do, but not the way I love you. With Jax there is no meaningful silences or quiet understandings. No, with Jax there's endless chatter and fluff. I deserve that, right? After everything I've been through in the last two years, I deserve a little light-hearted fluff. I know that, but I still can't figure out how to enjoy it. Why do I enjoy wallowing in misery by myself more than being out on the town with a hunky Australian?

Maybe because when I'm in the loft, I know that I'm not alone. I know that you are here because I can feel it. I even trick myself into believing that when I open up the door you're going to be here waiting. Waiting, like you always said you would. The moon catches the glint of gold sitting on my nightstand. I don't even have to wonder what it is. I grab hold of the object and take a good look at it as I try to remember all the good times that came with it. I took out the chain with our ring on it this morning. In my disarrayed state, I must have forgotten to put it back. I let the cold chain dangle on my index finger and watch as the simple ring twirls through the air. It represents so much more than just our marriage. It represented our love to one another. In a fit of frustration, I find myself throwing it across the room. The soft ding signals it's landing and I am tempted to go and pick it up once again, but instead I force myself into to bed.

I still imagine your touch  
It's beautiful missing something that much  
But sometimes love needs a fighting chance  
So I'll wait my turn until it's our turn to dance

I remember when you used to hold me in your arms. Sometimes I would slip through your grasp in my fitful slumber, but they were always around me when I woke up in the morning. I wonder if you even realized you were doing it. Or was it just force of habit? I don't wake up in anyone's embrace anymore and I'm not sure if I even want to. There have been times when Jax would fall asleep and his arms would be around me, but they were always gone in the morning.

I'm not going to fight for you any longer. No, those days are long gone. I can't promise that I won't wait, though. I'll wait because there is nothing more I can do. I can't move on, that's obvious. When I think that I have reached some huge turning point, a day like this comes along. When we were at the docks, it was like you knew how to comfort me without saying a word. I'll forever be grateful for that, because I don't know what I would have done if I had to go through this day alone.

I don't know what is worst, missing you or knowing that no matter how long I wait you may never return? Sure, we we'll always be connected in someway or another, but what if you never really become mine again?

I sleep alone  
I cry alone  
Without you this house is not a home  
So please, come home soon 

My breath hitches when I hear click through the darkness. It's unmistakably a key turning in the lock. Not knowing what else to do I reach for the first object that is within my grasp. A clock? I'm going to defend myself with an alarm clock? It too late to switch because I hear the squeak of hinges. I slide out of bed as quietly as possible and slither out towards the parlor.

"Get the hell out!" I scream trying desperately to calm the trembling in my voice. I see a long arm reach out and do my best not to running and hide under my bed. The light flicks on and I'm shocked at what I see before me. "What are you doing here?"

"I was just making sure you were alright," Jason answers innocently, but he's avoiding making eye contact. He looks worn out and I know that he's been out most of the night.

"At 3 a.m.?" I try to sound annoyed when in actuality I've never been happier to see him. He shrugs his shoulders in response and I see a smile light up his face when he takes in my defensive demeanor.

"You were going to attack me with an alarm clock?" His tone is amused and I can feel the blush creeping up my cheeks as I drop the object onto the nearby couch.

"It's was the first thing I grabbed." I explain trying to hide my embarrassment. "Why are you here?" I watch him shift uncomfortably. He peers up and I find myself caught in his deep blue eyes. All the reasons are suddenly clear without a word. He needs me tonight like I need him. Whether it all works out in the morning is irrelevant.

"I'm sorry…" he whispers and is met with a nod. I grab his hand and lead him into the bedroom.

_I walk alone  
I try alone  
I'll wait for you, don't want to die alone  
So please, come home soon_

I wake up the next morning with a set of strong arms around me and the left side of the bed occupied.

_Come home soon  
Come home soon_

* * *

_**A/N:**_ What did you think? I'm working on a few other stories right now, but after watching the reunion episode I just had to post this.

**Nicole:** I am working on a short for One of these Days, but I am sort of having a mental block. I'll hopefully have it out within the next week or so. Just didn't want you to think I forgot.


	9. One Of These Days

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. The characters belong to GH and the "One of These Days" belongs to Michelle Branch.

Summary: Set after the reunion episode. Courtney deals with the grief and pain the only way she can.

A/N: This one goes out to Nicole. I hope it was worth the wait.

****

One Of These Days:

I didn't notice  
But I didn't care  
I tried being honest  
But that left me nowhere

Courtney Matthews packed up the last of her belongings. Today was an eye opener to say the least. It was exactly one year ago that she lost her baby girl and if she had to pin point it, probably the same time she lost her husband. She had been spending the last few months in quiet desperation as she used Jax to shield the pain. Just like tonight, she tried to use sex with Jax to mask all the hurt, but couldn't. She couldn't do that to him, because if nothing at all, he was a good friend. He refused to use her emotional state as a catalyst to get her into bed and she was grateful.

The scenes with Jason replayed through her mind. This whole day was exhausting both mentally and physically. She had opened herself up once again to her ex husband. It felt good at the time but devastating once she left the Penthouse. All the talking and pained expressions did nothing to lessen her guilt as well as the overwhelming ache in her heart.

She had to leave. It was the only reasonable scenario that her otherwise cluttered mind could deduce. It would be easier for everyone. Oh, whom was she kidding? The only person it would be easier for was herself. She needed this. She needed to get away from it all. Facing life in Port Charles was too hard and she didn't have any more fight left in her. People would call her a coward, a wimp. But what did she care? The one person in this whole town that mattered knew that it would come down to this. Jason knew it today at the docks even if he didn't voice. He could see the hurt that engulfed his ex wife and wondered quietly how much longer she could hold on for.

I watched the station  
Saw the bus pulling through  
And I don't mind saying  
A part of me left with you

Jason entered the Port Charles Bus Communal in record speed. He had just come from Courtney's loft where she had left a small note saying, "She could handle no more". He had considered checking the airport first, but knew his ex wife and her irrational fear of flying alone. So here he was, searching the dank terminal trying to discern her face from the others in the crowd.

He caught sight of her long blonde hair pushing through one of the gates on the opposite side. If he ran at full speed he could catch her. **If**. God, he hated that word. Out of the large bay window he watched her boarding the bus. Even from a distance, he noticed the tears that stained her creamy white cheeks. There was nothing he could do to stop her. Happiness was a luxury that Courtney hadn't indulged in since her arrival in Port Charles and he couldn't help wondering if exiting this town would somehow bring the smile back to her eyes. Who was he to take away her last chance at being content? Still, he couldn't shake the feeling of emptiness that settled in him when the bus pulled away.

So one of these days  
I won't be afraid of staying with you  
I hope and I pray  
Waiting to find a way back to you  
'Cause that's where I'm home…oh

Courtney read the sign carefully. _You are now leaving Port Charles, New York. Come back soon! _She briefly wondered if she ever would indeed return. Someday in the very distant future seemed like a distinct possibility. One day when she knew who exactly she was and what she needed. Well, she already knew what needed…Jason. The thought of her steely eyed ex husband turned the pit of her stomach to ice. She had half expected him to show up at the bus terminal, but apparently he either hadn't gotten her letter or didn't care enough to stop her.

She let her gaze wonder around the congested bus and stopped when her eyes settled upon a young family seated a few seats in front of her. The young man, who couldn't have been a hair over nineteen, had his arm protectively around a petite brunette who seemed to be about the same age as her counterpart. A small child slept peacefully in her mother's arm. The trio glowed with happiness and contentment, which brought a sad smile to her face. A look of adoration shone on both parents faces as their little bundle of joy nested her head deep into her mother's bosom.

"Sweet, huh?" An elderly woman seated behind her caught Courtney's attention. "I remember when I was that young. Never was blessed with a child, though." No response was offered and it seemed apparent that the woman wasn't looking for one as she continued on. "Where are you heading, dear?"

"I'm not sure…" Courtney replied honestly in hopes that the woman would leave her be. She had planned to spend the rest of her trip wallowing in silent misery.

"Ok. I've got a better question. What are you running from?"

"Excuse me?"

"I've been around a long time, sweetheart. I can smell fear from a mile away and right now you reek of it." The old woman's eyes twinkled in amusement. Courtney didn't say anything, but cast her gaze downward. How the hell could one person be so intuitive? "Can I give you a piece of advice?"

"If I say no, is it going to stop you?"

"Probably not." Courtney let a smile grace her lips. The woman reminded her of Lila.

"Then, please bestow upon me your keen insight."

"You're a smart ass." The elder woman returned ruefully and was met with a shrug of the shoulders. "Anyways, listen very carefully because I'm only going to say it once. You can hide for as long as you want. You're young and can probably build a real nice life for yourself. But the best life in the world won't mean shit until you can face whoever it is that you're leaving behind." The bus lurched to a stop and Courtney watched in amazement as the woman began to gather her things.

"Who said I was leaving someone behind?" She asked quietly as the woman passed.

"Love isn't any easier to hide than pain and your eyes shine with both." She replied with a wink before leaving Courtney in a slight daze.

Did I make you nervous?  
Did I ask for too much?  
Was I not deserving one second of your touch?

Jason let out a sigh. He had spent the better part of his night tossing and turning all the while Courtney haunted his thoughts. Had he forced her to leave? Had he left her no other option? He had hoped to somehow share in her grief, but maybe all he did was intensify it. She told him today that she wanted more than "ok". And in the back of his mind, he thought he could give that to her. He wanted to give that to her.

_There you go, Morgan. Making this whole fiasco about you_, his mind mocked him. He couldn't help being selfish when it came to her. As possessive as it sounds, she was his and he was unwilling to share her with any other. Maybe that's what finally pushed her over the edge. She could sense his unwavering need for her and it was too much to handle. They never could say no to one another and he's sure if to stay, she would have. And then the disastrous cycle that is their relationship would play out. God, why couldn't he be a better person for her? She deserved someone who could build her up, not tear her down. That's what he did when they were together, he wrecked her.

Shoving his head deeper into the pillow, he wished for sleep. The thoughts of his ex wife were too much for him to handle. It was obvious that he could never be what Courtney wanted or needed, but he could try. Yes, he would try to be a better person and if she returned to this tired old town, he would show her. Show her that he was willing to give her all the space and time needed. The only catch was if she returned to town. There's that damn word popping up again.

What would you do if I could have you?  
Oh if I could  
I'd let you feel everything I'm thinking  
Wouldn't that be nice? 

She settled into the run down motel room. The bright casino signs lit up the otherwise dim room. She had thought about going to her mother's apartment, but decided against it. Janine was probably still at work or with some random high roller and that was not a scene she wanted to happen upon. So instead, she checked into the first motel she saw. It wasn't anything remotely nice, but it was a place to spend the night.

The cheap bed creaked with every turn, but the noise was a welcome reprieve from the silence. Her blue eyes peered up at the cracked stucco ceiling as the old woman's words played through her mind. _You can hide for as long as you want. But the best life in the world won't mean shit until you can face whomever it is that you're leaving behind.  
_  
It was probably the best advice she had ever received and it was from a stranger no less. Hiding out was no longer an option, but she wasn't sure when and if she would ever be ready to face him again. Maybe some day when things weren't so tense between them. Some day when he isn't taking care another woman…

That's what it boiled down to…Sam. Not just Sam but the baby she was carrying as well. Jealousy ate through her system, but she refused to direct at her brother's mistress. Her ex husband was the one who concocted the whole plan with complete disregard for her feelings.

Her plate was brimming with all of the events of the last month. From Sam and Jason to Sonny and Carly to her and Jax and then finally the anniversary of her miscarriage. It was enough to completely break a person and she was sure that if she stayed around Port Charles she would indeed crack. The change of scenery would hopefully help, but not enough to erase the pain and hurt. Pain over losing her child and hurt that Jason had instilled within her. She would get stronger though and time would dull her wounds, she was sure of it. It was just a matter of how long it would take. Patience never was one of her strong suits, but she would wait as long as it took for the pain to fade and then return back home. Back to him.

And one of these days  
I won't be afraid of staying with you


	10. I Remember You

**

* * *

Disclaimer: **I don't own anything. The song _I Remember You_ belongs to Skid Row and the characters belong to GH. 

A/N: I've been meaning to write a fic for the song, but had yet to get around to it. I also have another song fic in the works and hope to have it out within the next week or so, but don't hold me to it.

Summary: But nothing else could ever take you away, because you'll always be my dream come true. Oh my darling, I love you. (Set in present time.)

****

I Remember You 1/1:

Woke up to the sound of pouring rain  
The wind would whisper and I'd think of you  
And all the tears you cried, that called my name  
And when you needed me I came through

The endless drizzle of rain that blanketed Port Charles was enough to keep Jason Morgan's already restless mind busy under it's tantalizing spell. The rain always fascinated him. It was like nature's very own source of purification that washed away all the dirt inflicted upon it. Everything seemed cleaner after a long night of rain.

Oddly enough, he felt the need to go out and bask in the midnight shower. If for nothing else, to try and cleanse himself of the grime that settled upon his soul. He had felt it building up since the anniversary of Courtney's miscarriage. It was that day that opened his eyes to the pain he was forcing upon his ex wife. He never considered the way she felt when he asked Sam to move in with him. When he offered to raise Sam's child as his own. Little by little he noticed the untimely creases around the corners of her eyes when she saw him with Sam in public. She would quickly tried to hide them and offer him a reassuring smile, but it was always too little too late.

Too little too late, well if that didn't sum up their relationship perfectly. There were times when she needed him and he brushed it off. Promising that they would deal with it "tomorrow" or "later". There were no longer any tomorrows, not for them and he was mostly to blame for that. The times he was there were the most satisfying of their marriage. He loved knowing that he could steal the tears from her eyes with just one kiss.

That was no longer an option, however. She doesn't need him anymore. She has Jax, her very own candy boy that is exactly the opposite of everything he stood for. What does he have in her place? His best friend's pregnant girlfriend. He couldn't help but think that he got the short end of the deal.

I paint a picture of the days gone by  
When love went blind and you would make me see  
I'd stare a lifetime into your eyes  
So that I knew that you were there for me  
Time after time you were there for me

He let's his eyes wander across the street and settle on the small wooden bench that had been there since before he moved into Harborview Towers. Courtney and him had spent more than their fair share of evenings cuddled on the hard cherry seat watching the people pass them by and at the same time completely occupied with each other. They would talk endlessly about things, both catastrophic and trivial. From the weather to her marriage to AJ, no stone was left unturned.

He confided in her things that he never dared to voice before. Thoughts and dreams that he kept to himself until the day she barged into his life. She listened to every word, no matter how meaningless it seemed, because she knew that it was everything to him. He would never be able to connect with another person on that level. Sam, while a good listener, could never offer the insight that Courtney did without even thinking about it. Every word that rolled off her lips had such a profound meaning to it and she never even realized it.

Then there were the quiet times when she would snuggle her head deep into his neck and close her eyes and let the silence wash over them. The hustle and bustle of the people walking by was tuned out and they focused on nothing but each other and the solace felt with the other's arms around them. It seemed like lifetimes ago and he caught himself wondering if she remembered or even cared to remember after all the pain he put her through.

Remember yesterday, walking hand in hand?  
Love letters in the sand - I remember you  
Through the sleepless nights, through every endless day  
I wanna hear you say I remember you

Twenty-four hours is a long time with nothing to occupy yourself with. It seemed that lately his mind was filled with thoughts of her from sunrise to sunset. There was no escaping her captivating eyes that haunted him in daydreams as well as the dark night. When he stopped by her loft to drop off Diego, he silently hoped that he could sense she was feeling the same way as him. But to no avail, she had shone no concern of her feelings for him if there were even any left.

It was eating away at him to keep all this locked up, but who was he to talk to? Carly? She seemed more worried about her father these days, which was rightfully so considering the mess he was causing. Sam? He could feel her feelings for him growing and was hardly callous enough to flaunt his lingering feelings for his ex wife in her face. Sonny and him weren't exactly on speaking terms these days, which made discussions with him damn near impossible. Emily was so wrapped up in Nikolas and the curse that it was unfair to burden her with his problems.

The one person he truly wanted to talk to was moving on and not likely wanting to hear him pledge his undying love for her. So, he kept these thoughts to himself and spent his nights wishing that things could go back to way they were. Before there were pregnant mistresses and sexual bets with hunky Australians, even before there were miscarriages and weddings vows said in an empty church. He would go back to the day he first met her on the docks and rearrange everything from that day forward. If he had his way, he would no longer be a memory in her life. He would be her life.

We spent the summer with the top rolled down  
Wished ever after would it be like this  
You said I love you babe, without a sound  
I said I'd give up my life for just one kiss  
I'd live for your smile and die for your kiss

The first summer of their fledgling relationship had been spent on the beaches of Sonny's private island. It was like heaven on earth. They would lie on the hot sand all day caught up in each other's arms declaring their love forever and always. There was nothing he wouldn't to for her at that time and he knew that she felt the same way about him.

Flashback:

"Jason stop!" She yelled between high-pitched giggles. Ignoring her fit of protests he continued carrying her towards the clear blue water, all the while she squirmed and kicked in his strong arms. He waded in until the chilled water reached his waist and dropped her into the deep blue abyss. It took what seemed to be a long time for her to surface and for a moment he thought that he would have to go down after her. She waited until the precise second his heart leapt into his throat before peeking her head above the soft waves. Between gasping for air, she managed small chuckles that only elicited a shake of his head.

"Real mature, dear."

"You're the one who dragged me into the water." She shot back with a matter-of-fact smile.

"Well forgive me for trying to cool you off a little bit. After all, you seemed a little hot."

"Maybe if some bum wasn't nibbling on my ear…"

"You loved it." He grinned wrapping his arms around her curvy waist and laughed when she tossed him a flirtatious smile.

"Almost as much as you love this." She let her long fingers roam his muscular chest before pressing her wet body up against his and pulling him into a deep passionate kiss. When they came up for air her eyes caught his. The tears that glittered in her dazzling blue eyes brought a slight mist to his own.

"I love you," she whispered breathlessly into his lips.

"I love you more."

End Flashback

We've had our share of hard times  
But that's the price we paid  
And through it all we kept the promise that we made  
I swear you'll never be lonely 

All the love that they fought so hard to protect seemed to fade along with the island memories. Even through the separation and divorce, he wanted to be the weak one. He wanted to be the one to walk back with his tail between his legs and give into the man he was deep down inside. The man she fell in love with. But what he wanted and what he knew was right are two completely different things. He couldn't continue hurting her because no matter how hard he tried; he was never going to change. He was never going to be the law-abiding man that she wished he could be.

He continued to love her, however. He promised never to hurt her and or leave without saying goodbye and refused to break either vow. He told himself long ago that the only way he would leave was if she did. He could never be the one to walk out, especially on her of all people.

Through the raindrops that covered the bulletproof glass of his bedroom he caught sight of a mess of blonde hair. Surely it was his exhaustion playing tricks on him, he shut his eyes and took a deep breath. When his lids slid back open he was met with the very same sight. Not knowing what else to do, he pulled on a nearby shirt and jetted downstairs clad in a pair of sweatpants.

Woke up to the sound of pouring rain  
Washed away a dream of you  
But nothing else could ever take you away  
'Cause you'll always be my dream come true  
Oh my darling, I love you

"Hey," he kept his voice soft as not to startle her. "What are you doing out here?"

"Thinking…"was her quiet response as her she watched the rain pound hard against the pavement. Neither said anything, but she patted the spot next to her on the bench and he gladly took the invitation to accompany her. "Do you remember when we used to sit out here every night?"

"Yup."

"I miss that." She whispered and he nodded, waiting for her to continue on. "I miss us."

"I do too," he replied watching as her tears mixed with raindrops and slid down her cheeks. He leaned forward and carefully caressed her face with the pad of his thumb trying his best to dry the area, but each time was replaced with more moisture.

"I still love you," Courtney closed her eyes letting herself relax against his gentle touch.  
  
"I still love you more." He guided her chin upwards so that her lips were just inches from his. Their warm breath mingled in the cool autumn air creating a small cloud in the space between them. Blue collided with blue as their eyes connected. Just as their lips were about to meet a large crack of thunder filled the air.

Jason jumped nearly a foot out of bed as his gaze adjusted to the dimness of his bedroom. He ran a hand through his sweat soaked hair trying to decipher what kind of God would send him a dream so vivid and then steal it all away.

"You alright, babe?" He felt a delicate hand squeeze his shoulder softly and swiveled his head around to find a worried female with an uncomfortable look clouding over her normally bright facial features. "Jason?" She pulled the silky black sheet tighter around her petite form as she backed away from him. "I knew this was a bad idea." He heard her curse under her breath.

She ran around in a failed attempt to collect the pieces of her peach business suit that was strewn hazardously across the hard cherry oak that was his floor. "Why do I let you have this affect over me?" She muttered to herself trying desperately to keep the sheet from slipping down to expose the creamy white skin of her bosom.

"Where are you going?" He asked breaking her concentration for a moment.

"Home. It's obvious that I was nothing more than a cheap lay. Something to distract you for the night." Her voice came out tight and annoyed.

"Courtney, take a deep breath and come back to bed." He instructed easily and watched as she glared at him behind the long strands of her blonde hair.

"Why should I?"

"Because I need you." It was a rare declaration of dependency made by him and it caught her off guard. Unsure of what else to do, she crawled back into his king-sized bed and let him take her into his embrace. "I want what he had before we let everything get in our way. Remember when the only thing that used to matter was us?"

"I remember when the only thing that mattered to me was you. I want to feel like that again." She replied before burying her head deep in his chest signaling that there would be further conversation. Instead, both allowed themselves to find comfort in the times that once were and may be again.  
  
_Remember yesterday, walking hand in hand?  
Love letters in the sand - I remember you  
Through the sleepless nights, through every endless day  
I wanna hear you say, I remember - I remember you_

_

* * *

_

**_A/N:_** What did we think? I have such a weakness for hairbands and had to write something for this song because it's definetly one of my favorite power ballads. The song I alluded to in the first authors note is _Over and Over_ by Nelly ft. Tim McGraw. I hope to have the fic for that out soon. Well thats enough babbling for now.

PS: 3-2, we're coming back!


	11. Over and Over

Disclaimer: I own nothing. The song _Over and Over_ belongs to Tim McGraw and Nelly. The characters belong to GH.

A/N: Set a few months ago, right around the beginning of the bet and Sam's whole pregnancy angle. We're going to pretend that Sam's child is Jax, but she's still living with Jason. I know that wouldn't really happen, but oh well.

Summary: I can't go on not loving you.

****

Over and Over 1/1:

Cause it's all in my head  
I think about it over and over again  
And I cant keep picturing you with him  
And it hurts so bad  
Cause it's all in my head  
I think about it over and over again  
I replay it over and over again  
And I can't take it, I can't shake it no

Jason Morgan entered Kelly's to be greeted with the sweet aroma of fresh brewed coffee. Sure, he could make coffee at his own home, but then Sam would probably claw his eyes out and that really wasn't something he wanted to endure at 7:00 am on a Saturday morning. So, in order to appease his pregnant roommate he walked the short trek to Kelly's, where at least he could enjoy his caffeine fix in peace.

He took a seat at the corner table, which had been deemed his "spot" long ago. A small smile grazed his lips as he remembered when Courtney still worked at Kelly's and would make "reserved" signs and place them on the center of the table to make sure that everyone knew that it was off limits. She once asked him why he like that table so much and he made some lame excuse of wanting to be as far away from the other diners as possible. But the truth was that he knew that the table landed in her section. He knew that without fail when he sat there, she would wait on him. He felt his heart tug slightly when he pictured her greeting him with a huge smile and placing his order in front of him without even asking him what he wanted. She didn't need to ask because she always knew what he needed and put it before anything else.

"Coffee, black two sugars." Courtney placed the steaming mug in front of him right on cue. He was kind of surprised to see her with an apron on over her olive green business suit.

"What are you doing here?" He grinned slightly.

"My dad caught a little cold. I'm covering until Penny gets here." She explained but her statement somewhat tapered off as her sapphire eyes settled on the entrance. Jason followed her gaze and watched as Jasper Jacks entered with a cocky smile. "Let me know if you need anything else, ok?" Jason felt a pang in his heart as he watched his ex wife go to greet her boyfriend or whatever Jax was to her.

It shouldn't hurt. No, he should be happy that she's moved on. What really bothered him was that Jax was giving her things that he only dreamed of. When they first got together, he had all these ideas planned out. He was going to make sure that Courtney had the life she always wanted and deserved. She was going to have her "happily ever after" and he was going to be the one to give it to her. What had happened? How had he managed to completely destroy everything that he was trying to build? How could he have let everything go to hell and not give a second thought as to what it was doing to her both mentally and physically? Somewhere along the line he let his ideals cloud reality and that's when things really started to go down hill.

I can't wait to see you  
Wanna see if you still got that look in your eye  
That one you had for me before we said our goodbyes  
And it's a shame that we gotta spend our time being mad about the same things (over and over again) about the same things (over and over again)

"You okay?" He noticed the flustered look upon her face when she stalked over to refill his coffee.

"I'm fine," she replied tightly as she let her eyes wander across the diner to a red-face Jax who was shooting daggers at her.

"Are you sure?" He prodded obviously uncomfortable with the look of animosity in the Australian's eyes. "Do you want me to talk to him or something?"

"Yeah, because I'm sure that he's definitely going to want to hear what you have to say." Her voice was dripping with sarcasm. "Because not only do you hate each other, but your also my ex husband, which may I add is the source of our problem right now. God, do you ever think about the shit you do and the consequences it has on other people?"

"What the hell are you talking about?" Jason kept his volume low, but that did not sway Courtney to do the same.

"How could you let Sam move in with you? How could you not tell me first?"

"She had nowhere else to go," he answered logically, which only elicited more rage from his counterpart.

"She could have gone to Jax. You know, the father of that baby she's carrying. To think I actually defended you…" She spat out in disgust.

"Why does this even concern you?" His tone came out more venomous than he intended and watched as she flinched slightly. "I'm just trying to help her out, Courtney. There nothing more there." He placed a comforting hand on hers but she quickly pulled away.

"Yeah, because your so good at that. I forgot that it was your job to save every damsel in distress that this town has to offer. I mean you did it for me." She spat out forcing back tears.

"That was different…" He tried, but watched as she shook her head in response.

"Not that different, Jase."

Oohhh but I think she's leaving  
Oohhh man she's leaving  
I don't know what else to do  
Can't go on not loving you

He watched as she sauntered away just as the quiet ding of the bell above the door signaled Penny's arrival. It didn't take Courtney long to high tail it out of the over crowded diner, leaving himself as well as Jax behind in the fray. _Should I go after her? Explain that I'm just trying to right the wrongs I committed against her._ He was just about out of his seat when a large Australian in an expensive suit blocked his path. He looked Jax up and down before trying to move pass. To no avail, as the other man refused to budge.

"What do you want?" Jason asked already knowing full well the answer.

"I want you to stay away from the mother of my child."

"Funny, because that's the same thing she wants from you." He laughed in a serious manner. "I was just trying to help. Whatever spat you two are going through right now is none of my business, but you need to decide what you want. And once you figure that out, you and Sam need to learn how to act like adults for the sake of that child."

He didn't wait for a response, instead bolted out of the diner in hopes of catching his ex wife. There seemed to be little hope of that as the street was bare except for occasional wanderer, but not one that even somewhat resembled Courtney. Letting out a sigh, he crossed the street to the Port Charles Park. Another opportunity to fix the rift between them had come and gone. She consumed his thoughts lately. He wasn't quite sure why the feelings all of a sudden arose in such full force, but he kind of appreciated it. He liked wanting her, feigning for her.

I remember the day you left  
I remember the last breath you took right in front of me  
When you said that you would leave  
I was too damn stubborn to try to stop you or say anything  
But I see clearly now  
And this choice I made keeps playing in my head (over and over again) play in my head (over and over again)

He stopped by the edge of the small pond in the middle of the park. Courtney's face was vividly emblazoned on his mind with the same look of sadness that she had sported when their marriage ended. Tears clouding her normally bright eyes as she begged him to reconsider until she finally realized that he wasn't going to budge on the issue. The next time he saw with her head held high looking him directly in the eyes was probably the coldest he had ever felt. It was like she turned off her feelings for him within a few hours. There was no more crying or pleading on her part. No, she was done and he couldn't really blame her.

She had given him opportunities to stop the inevitable. She was willing to turn a blind eye to his career if it met that they could continue on with their marriage. She was willing to give up her morals for him, but somehow that didn't suffice. He didn't want her to leave him, but at the same time didn't want her to stay. It was a double-edged sword. It was either give her up for the greater good or let her give into a person she was never meant to be.

All he had to do was admit that he was wrong. Agree to that fact that she was just trying to help him. But could he? Of course not, because after all Jason Morgan is never wrong. What's even sicker is that he actually convinced himself that it was true. He was always in the right and everyone else was just too stupid to realize it. Look what he gave up on for that false sense of reality. He lost the love of his life and everything he dreamed of. Was it really worth it?

Now that I realize that I'm goin' down from all this pain you've put me through  
Every time I close my eyes, I like it down, oohhh, I can't go on not loving you

Courtney wandered along the soft green grass that blanketed Port Charles Park. _What had just happened?_ For some indistinct reason when Jax told her that Sam and Jason were living together, she just snapped. Disgust mixed with hurt ran through her veins as she tried to think of all the reasonable possibilities why. There had to be an excuse. There was no way Jason would let her stay with him. But once again, she was wrong. At one time she knew him. Now everything he did was a mystery to her. What bothered her was how badly she wanted to solve each and every one of them.

She wanted to know everything about him again, even if it would inflict more pain onto her. In some sick way she liked the pain that he instilled in her. It made her feel alive and strong, but at the same time dead and weakened. It was strange how one person can build you up and tear you done within a few moments. What's stranger is that she adored it. The misery he put her through only served to make her fall deeper in love.

Was she mentally deranged? Probably, what other excuse could there be. Why was he constantly in her brain, reminding her how much she loved and needed him. Would it ever get any better? Would there ever come a day when she could curl up in his arms once again and feel safe and fulfilled? Or had she already ruined that? Had she already dashed all the chances they may have had? One thing was for sure, she could never live with herself if she didn't at least try and fix what they had. There couldn't be anymore walking away, it was something they had to deal with face to face.

As if on cue, her eyes fell on the back of his head. He stood a few meters away; she could feel the butterflies begin to rise in her stomach. He had yet to notice her and she recognized it as a blessing in disguise. Not today, she couldn't do it today. Instead, she slunk back in the opposite direction praying that some day she would have the courage to say all the thoughts that were consistently flying around her head.

_Over and over again  
Over and over again  
Cause it's all in my head_

_

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_

_**A/N:** _I'm not really sure how I feel about this one. I just really love the song and wanted to right a peice for it. I've done a few too many happy endings and decided that I need to do an angst peice for a change. Also, big thank you to Nicole for the review of my last installment. I really appreciated all the kind words. Reviews are always welcomed.


	12. Let It All Go

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. The characters belong to GH and the song _Let It All Out _belongs to Staind.

Summary: Sam's baby pasted away and with it went his hopes and dreams of possibly having his own family. Where will Jason go to find the peace he so desperately needs?

_Let It All Go 1/1:_

****

Jason's POV

_There's nothing left,  
nothing left to hold on to.  
There is no reason to make a fight anymore.  
I let it all go.  
It'll be easier I know,  
the weight on my shoulders tells me so.  
  
_The brisk autumn air is biting through the thin black material of my long sleeve T-shirt. I shove my hands deeper into my pockets trying to find some warmth, but I have the sneaking suspicion that the weather isn't the only reason I find myself in this numb state. Baby Lila is dead and while I mourn for the child who never had a chance, I can't keep my mind from drifting back to Courtney and the baby girl that we created. My train of thought goes a step further and retraces the look of despair on her delicate facial features when I plucked her out of that god forsaken hell hole that the South Americans like to refer to as a clinic.

I couldn't save Courtney then and I can't save Sam and Lila, now. I've finally realized that I'm destined to a life of destruction and pain. Not for me, but the for the people that I care about most. Courtney can testify to that fact, I destroyed her with one simple stroke of the pen. At the same time, I ruined myself, because she was everything that I wanted to be. I nearly succeed too. At one point in our relationship I could actually look at myself in the mirror without being disgusted.

There's another little known fact, most of the time I'm sickened by who I am. Funny isn't it? I spend so much time trying to justify my job to others and I can't even justify it to myself. I kill people and I'm okay with that. What I can't take comfort in is the pain that engulfs everyone around me because of my career. Then why not quit? While it seems like a pretty simple decision, it's one that I can't come to grips with. I don't feel strong enough to walk away. Not that I would admit it to anyone, but I camouflage myself in my job. It's easier to push people away then it is to let them infect your life and wait for them to walk away. It's my protective blanket so to speak. I find so much security in having the control that when I'm stripped of it I shut down.

That's what happened with Courtney. She took the power away from me when she hit Alcazar with that log. Unsure of how to cope with that, I lashed out the only way I knew how to. Walking away. Besides my 9mm., it's my most useful weapon. When things become to real, I turn my back. Hell, I loved her with everything in me, which is why things had to end. I was hurting her by doing my job and I couldn't quit that, so I quit her instead. I like to think I was saving her, but in the long run I know I was only saving myself.  
  
_So now I stand here  
to sing another song for you.  
About the pain I felt before,  
now there's nothing I can do.  
Now I stand here,  
with nothing left to say to you.  
And if you all could sing along,  
it might help me make it through._

I left the hospital soon after Sam woke up. She may have needed me, but I couldn't bring myself to linger around the pristine white tiled room any longer. Sonny is there anyways and I know that when pushed came to shove; she would want him there instead of me. I have nothing left to offer her. Everything I did have left with Lila's spirit. For the life of me, I cannot figure out why I went into the operating room and why I felt the inexplicable need to cradle her in my arms. Maybe I was trying to find the closure I didn't get when Courtney miscarried. There was no baby to look at or hold in my arms when I lost my daughter.

It feels odd saying that. My daughter, but she was. I have helped raise many a children, but none were biologically mine. And the only one that was never made it to the light of day. Hell, I didn't even know about her 'til it was too late. Would that have changed things? If I somehow found out earlier, could I have prevented her untimely demise? Those are the questions that have been haunting my mind for the last few hours. Of course, the answers are yes. Everything would be different if I had just stayed that one extra night with Courtney. I can't change my choices, so I'm forced to live with the regret of knowing that the one life I couldn't save was my very own daughter, even though I was equipped with all the tools do so.

The loft is coming into view ahead of me. Our loft. I know if I don't turn and walk the opposite direction right now, I'll end up at her doorstep. Unfortunately I can't seem to change my trek. I need to see her even if it will end up hurting both of us in the end, because nothing could be worse than the ache I'm feeling right now.

****

Courtney's POV

_I try to move on,  
nothing' left to hurt me now.  
I hope it's all in the past to stay.  
Just trying' to see through  
all the fucked up shit we do,  
and hope that we all don't drift away._

"Leave it. Whoever it is will go away…" Jax mumbled into my lips referring to the soft rap on the front door.

"It could be Diego, Jax…" I try unsuccessfully to squirm out of his grasp. "I'm serious, let me go." I finally feel his hold loosen enough for me to get up and march towards the entrance. I pull the door open and am shocked with what I'm greeted with. It appears to be Jason, only in a form I have never seem him take. He looks weary with dark bags taking up residence under his blood shot eyes. He's dressed in only a T-shirt despite the fact it is quite a chilly night. My heart leaps into my throat and for a brief moment I'm tempted to take him in my arms and wish away all his pain.

"What's going on?" My voice is shakier than I intended and I can feel Jax coming up behind me. For the first time in awhile, I just wish that the cocky Australian would go away. I like Jax, but sense that at this precise moment, Jason needs me more than he ever will. And just like old times, I can't turn my back on him.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt anything. I'm just going to go." His voice sounds broken, like nothing I've ever heard before. I open my mouth to speak, but am cut off by a booming Australian accent.

"Yeah, well thanks for stopping by. Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out." Jax called with an arrogant smile spread across his lips and it takes all my self-control not to slap it off. I watch as Jason does a simple hand gesture to wave him off as he continues down the hall. He's almost at the stairwell when I finally find my voice.

"Jase wait!" I yell to make sure it reaches him. "Jax was just leaving." I throw Jax an apologetic look and hope that he understands why I need to do this. Why I need to be the rock that Jason so often was for me. Deep down I know that he won't get it. I know that I'm going to be faced with hell tomorrow morning. I'm choosing my ex husband over my current boyfriend and know that will not sit well with him, but I'll gladly risk it to offer Jason the peace of mind he's given me so many times.

"We'll talk about this later," his voice is low and it comes off as more of a threat than anything else. I feel his soft lips caress the side of my mouth and know that he's keeping eye contact with Jason through the entire thing. It's a show of ownership on Jax part, a gesture to show that I will never be Jason Morgan's again. I wait for the sound of his footsteps to subside before I speak.

"You must be freezing," I quickly usher him into the warmth of my apartment.

"It's not that bad…" Always the tough guy.  
  
_So let it all out,  
nothing' left to hold on to.  
There is no reason to make a fight anymore._

"You want to talk to me about what's going on?"  
  
"Sam's baby died," he whispers in defeat. I take a moment to let the information sink in. My heart immediately goes out to the petite brunette; no one deserves the pain of losing a child.  
  
"Oh god, Jase…" I let the words come out softly as I reach over to pull him into my embrace. However, he remains rigid. I wonder what exactly is running through that brain of his and am kind of nervous about finding out. Never have I ever seen him in such a state of disarray, not even when I told him about our daughter.

"I'm sorry," he's apologizing for something and I'm not quite sure I want to know what it is. "I should have been there for you."

"Please don't do this," I can feel my voice cracking.

"I have to," he responds with tears thickening his voice. "I should have been there for you. I should have done something and I didn't. All this blame you've been carrying belongs on my shoulders not yours. You will never know how much I regret not being able to save her for you. For me." I can feel the hot tears sliding down my cheeks as I try to piece together a response, but no words seem adequate enough.

"What Sam is going through and what I went through are two different things." I try, but he doesn't seem to want to hear it.

"Yeah, because what you lost was mine too. I was going to love Lila, but it was different. She wasn't my flesh and blood." He pauses for a moment to collect himself. "I know that you don't want to hear any of this right now, but I need to talk to someone and you're the only one who understands."

"What the hell do you want from me, Jason?" I begin to pace the room trying to control all the emotions flowing through my weary body. "I can't do this anymore! I can't have these fucking conversations with you anymore! Because it always ends the same way with me completely broken and you walking away. It's not fair. I'm sorry for you and Sam, but please don't pull me back into this. It hurts too much." My shouts fill the air and I can't look him in the eye. While it's the truth, I didn't mean for it to come out as harshly as it did.

"I'm sorry…"

"Stop apologizing, ok?" I manage to keep my tone at a normal level. "It's not going to change anything." It was useless to try and wipe away the tears now, but through my blurry vision I can see his demeanor change. His face that seemed so tired is now contorted into a look of pain that mirrors my own. All the anger that was just coursing through my veins is replaced remorse. There's nothing I can say that will fix the damage, so I stand in silence waiting for him to plot his next move.  
  
_I let it all go.  
Feels so much better now I know.  
The weight on my shoulders tells me so._

"I deserve everything that you just said." His statement catches me off guard. "I shouldn't have come here."

"Don't go," the plea leaves my lips just as his hand rests on the doorknob. I'm not sure where it came from, but I can't watch him walk away. Not this time. Instead I cross the room and reach my arms out to him. He seems unsure of how to react, but soon falls into my outstretched embrace. And for a moment, the shouting and tears are forgotten and it's just us in our cocoon of safety. "Will you just stay the night?" It's not an offer for sex, but quite the opposite. I just want to share the same bed as him, I want to feel his warmth like I used.

He pulls away and nods in response. I watch as he quickly wipes away the wetness under his eyes, trying to somewhat salvage his masculinity. He doesn't like me knowing that he's not as strong as everyone believes he is. It's okay because his secret safe with me, just like it always has been.  
  
_There's nothing left,  
none of it's worth holding on to.  
There is no reason to make a fight anymore._

* * *

**_A/N_**: I'm actually quite proud of this story. I'm not sure about the song, but I like the overall premise. I kind of hope that the writers will write in a nice Jason/Courtney scene where they bond about the matter, but I doubt that will happen. Anyways, let me know whatcha think. 


	13. I Think God Can Explain

**Disclaimer: **I don't own anything. The characters belong to GH and the song lyrics belong to Splendor

**A/N:** So, this isn't really a full-fledged song fic, because I'm not using the complete song. There are just a few lines that I found especially poignant and felt the need to base a story around them.Summary: Tragedy strikes and brings to star-crossed lovers together in the process. But is it too little too late?

**I Think God Can Explain 1/1:**

There's a lot of things I understand,  
and there's a lot of things,  
That I don't want to know.

I was just going to the store. A simple task that gets performed by millions of people everyday, but somehow I managed to pick the exact worst time and location. I never even saw the car until it was too late. Even my cat-like reflexes couldn't save me from the screaming tires that moved over my body like it was just another bump in the road. Monica told me it was a drunk driver, a teenager out joy riding in his dad's Lexus. A fucking Lexus.

At least I think that's what she said. It's hard to decipher between consciousness and unconsciousness. Through squinted eyes, I see Sonny and Carly moving about the small cubicle that the hospital is trying to pass off as a room. Darkness overtakes and when I wake up again, Sam is there. Tears clouding her large chocolate brown orbs. She avoids making eye contact, instead choosing to focus all her energy on my hand. Rubbing it while she whispers words of solace more to herself then me. I briefly wonder why everybody seems so foreign. There's a familiarity to everyone's face, but no sense of acknowledgment. Before I can contemplate it any longer, the blackness returns and overtakes me in its dizziness.

But you're the only face,  
I recognize, It's so damn sweet of you,  
to look me in the eyes.

The bright light welcomes me when I force my eyes open one more time. Everything is the same as it had been before except for the blonde that sits on the corner of my bed. Her gaze is one of relief as she offers me a bright smile. I quickly realize that out of all my visitors, she's the only one with the courage to look me directly in the eye. I wonder if she sees the pain and inevitability of death that everyone else was too afraid to look for. There are unshed tears clouding over her baby blues, but she forces them back to the best of her ability.

Courtney slides up the bed closer until she is seated within arms length. She reaches out and lays her warm hand on my shoulder before she leans down to kiss me on the cheek and for that precise moment everything is as it should be. A comforting warmness finds it's way into my heart knowing that in my time of weakness she is there and there is no longer anymore pain.

The world seems bigger than both of us,  
yet it seems so small,  
when I begin to cry.

I can feel myself beginning to fade, but try my hardest to hold on. Her face becomes fuzzy in front of me and I'm numb to her touch. I don't know how to stop the room from spinning. Her voice comes to me like a gentle breeze willing me to fight with everything I have.

"I know Jason Morgan isn't going to let a pathetic thing like a car take him down," she's mocking me into consciencesness. "Come on, the only way the big bad enforcer is going to die is in a blaze of glory. A hail of bullets." Her tactic doesn't seem to be working because try as might I can stop the haziness. I want to be there for her, but everything is becoming dull and I am lost in a world that I never knew existed. The coldness sharpens my senses before everything begins to float.

Suddenly I am bystander watching her try and comfort the body that I am no longer a part of. I keep moving farther away, levitating in the air watching the horror unfold before me. Tears begin to form droplets behind my retinas but they don't fall. I can't force them out just like I can't ease the terror that quickly overcoming my ex wife.

"Jason…please?" It's a soft plea that sends me crashing back into the bed. I'm not sure how it happens, but with two single words it's as if she brought me back to life. I could never leave her when she needs me the most and some how I think God understands that.

_I'm so much better than you guessed,  
I'm so much bigger than you guessed,  
I'm so much brighter than you guessed. _

I stretch my arms out to here and she hesitates for a moment. I know she's worried about furthering my injuries, but ease her worries by letting small smile come across my dry lips. She slips in the carefully and that's how we stay until Monica enters a few hours later. She quietly goes about checking my vital signs and gives us an encouraging look before exiting. No doubt, off to tell Sonny, Carly and Sam about my miraculous recovery.

"You had me worried there for a second," she whispers softly and I just nod in agreement.

"I think I had myself worried."

"What made you come back? Because I saw it Jase and you were gone. It was like your spirit left or something…" I'm not sure how to answer that question. Do I say what's in my heart or do the smart thing and say what's in my head? Tell her that I wasn't ready to leave this world or say that I wasn't ready to leave her? Everything in my head screams that she's moved on and to let her, but there's that nagging voice that reminds me that she's the only reason I'm still alive.

"An angel brought me back," is the answer that escapes my lips and she seems satisfied with it and stands to leave.

"I'm sure Carly is chomping at the bit to get in here and see you…" she whispers reaching for the door.

"Courtney…"

"Yeah?"

"Thank you." She raises a quizzical eyebrow before throwing me another one of those million dollar smiles.

"Do you know how many times you've pulled me back from the edge? I'm just glad I could do it oncefor you." I open my mouth to reply, but she cuts me off. "At least this time it seems as though love was enough for us." She exits the room, but I know deep down that she'll be waiting for the day that I return to her arms and I'll make it there sooner rather than later this time.

* * *

**A/N**: Kind of short, I know. I hope you enjoyed it all the same. Drop me a line. 


	14. Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas

**Disclaimer**: I don't own anything. The characters belong to GH and the song _Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas_ belongs to Leanne Rhimes. Atleast the version I'm using does. I'm sure there are many people who have sang it before her.

**A/N:** So I couldn't let the holiday season come and go without a Journey Christmas fic. I decided to do the classic _HaveYourself a Merry Little Christmas,_because it's probably my favorite Christmas carol, ever.

**Summary:** What if Courtney wasn't as happy as she made everyone believe? Is there anyone that can bring some holiday cheer into this poor girl's life?

****

Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas 1/1:

Have yourself a merry little Christmas  
Let your heart be light  
From now on, our troubles will be out of sight

Courtney watched as Jax exited the now empty diner. Promises of stopping by his apartment on her way home would be left unfulfilled. She would rather spend the holiday by herself wallowing in spiked eggnog. She had told her father that she would close up so he could go visit with his grandsons on Christmas Eve. She would see Michael and Morgan tomorrow instead of tonight, because he would be there tonight. Jason always spent Christmas Eve at the Corinthos' Penthouse and while she wouldn't mind seeing him, she would rather not see the petite brunette that would undoubtedly be draped on his arm.

They both moved on, but how come it hurt so much to see him with someone else? How come when she woke in the morning she prayed for his arms around her instead of Jax's? All these question with no answers were beginning to frustrate her. She should love Jax. He treated her like a queen, always making sure that every one of her needs were fulfilled. Jason was no slouch, either. Even when they weren't getting along he kept her safe and made her feel content.

Her stomach began to churn; there she goes again comparing the two. Why she felt the overwhelming need to dissect everything her new boyfriend did and place it side by side with what her ex husband would have done was enough to boggle the mind. And somehow, Jason always won out in the end. Courtney had long since realized that no matter how amazing Jax was, he was never going to replace her ex husband. In her mind, Jason would always do things a little better. Hell to be perfectly honest, she would drop Jax in a heart beat if she could get things back to the way they were with Jason.

However, things would never revert back. It's a fact of life that you can't travel back in time, but that didn't stop her from living in the past. It was unhealthy, to say the least, but a hard habit to shake. Her marriage was a disaster, but a beautiful one at that. Sometimes the pain and worry were unbearable, but life without it is almost as bad. Her cheeks hurt from smiling so much in effort to force everyone to believe that she was happy. In reality, she had never been more miserable in her life. Her best friend and brother's marriage was in shambles. She was using her boyfriend, because the horror of being alone was too much for her to handle. And finally, the one man who she thought would always be there was to wrapped up in his new girlfriend to notice how badly she needed him.

_Have yourself a merry little Christmas  
Make the Yuletide gay  
From now on, our troubles will be far away  
_  
Her eyes lifted up and rested on the large window at the front of Kelly's. Snow had began to fall lightly adding a little more atmosphere tothe holiday decorations that the community of Port Charles had put up long before Thanksgiving had even come. A smile rested on her lips as soft notes being sung by carolers drifted into the diner. Christmas used to be her favorite time of the year. Even growing up when money was sparse and the only Christmas tree in her and Janine's apartment was a tiny fake evergreen that rested on the coffee table. It was never about the presents for her, it was the satisfaction of being around her family and the love that transcended between them. When she moved to Port Charles, Christmases with Sonny, Carly and Jason were not exactly traditional, but they always felt right.

Except of course for last year. December 25th, 2003 just happened to fall right in the middle of her divorce. The holiday seemed a little less magical, but wasn't completely void of love.

Jason: I don't know. But I just -- you know, I wanted to wish you a merry Christmas.

Courtney: Merry Christmas.

Jason: Merry Christmas.

The scene at the docks played through her mind, as she wondered why she didn't stop him right then and there. If she knew then what she knew now, there was no way that she would have let him leave. If only she had realized that ache in her heart would never cease, but only get stronger as the months rolled on. She heard the bell ring above the door signaling someone was entering the diner. She silently cursed herself for forgetting to lock up.

"I'm sorry, but the diner is closed," she informed to patron without bothering to turn around. She waited for the bell to ring again, but was slightly worried when it didn't. She spun around to find herself face to face with the last person she wanted to see.

Here were are as in olden days  
Happy golden days of yore  
Faithful friends who are dear to us  
Gather near to us once more

"Hi Courtney," Sam's uneasy voice drifted through the air.

"Like I said a moment ago: We're closed." The blonde's tone came out harsh and seemed to catch the other woman off guard.

"I know, but I promise that this won't take long…"

"What do you want, Sam? I saw you with Jason earlier. There's no need to rub it in my face." Courtney explained in annoyance.

"That's not why I'm here." The petite brunette shuffled across the diner until she was within arms reach of the other woman. Courtney tapped her foot impatiently as she watched the other woman rifle through the pocket of her black parka. "This fell out of Jason's pocket today. I thought that maybe you should be the one to give it back to him." The simple gold band rested in the center of Sam's shaky palm as she offered it to the other woman.

"I think deep down I knew that I would always play second best to you in his heart. I thought that I could be okay with that. But I refuse to be the reason why Jason remains unhappy. I love him enough to know that he deserves better and hopefully you will realize that as well." She placed the ring on the counter before leaving.

Courtney could feel her head begin to spin as she examined the wedding band. It was definitely the one that she had given to him a few years before, but what did it mean? She grasped it in her hand, hoping that if she held on to it tight enough everything would become clear. The one thing that she wanted finally seemed within reach, but was she brave enough to grab it? Could she really handle the pain of possibly losing him, again?

Through the years we all will be together  
If the Fates allow  
Hang a shining star upon the highest bough  
And have yourself a merry little Christmas now

The city of Port Charles looked beautiful lit up by multicolored lights. She had left the diner in a slight daze trying to decide exactly how to handle the situation that had literally been placed in her hands. The bitter cold bit through the thin material of her sweater. In her haste, she had forgotten her coat at Kelly's. Not that it mattered, because she had long since become numb to everything around her. The snow and wind were just minor annoyances to her.

Courtney strolled right past Harborview Towers; she wasn't ready to go in there, yet. What would she say to him? "So I hear you're still carrying around your wedding ring. What does that mean exactly? Oh yeah by the way, Merry Christmas." That hardly seemed like the right icebreaker. So instead she continued her walk through the streets of Port Charles, stopping every so often to take in the festivities of kids running around happily in the snow.

She made it to the docks just as the storm began to pick up. She should go home, but found herself unable to move. Instead she became mesmerized by the falling flakes that pounded the harbor water with such fury before melting into nothing. It was like they were fighting so hard not to give into what they knew was inevitable.

Funny how you can find metaphors without even looking for them. All the energy she and Jason used to push each other away, but neither could ever really walk away. Maybe deep down, they both knew that somehow someway things would always come full circle. Suddenly everything became lucid in her mind. There were obstacles they had to overcome in order to complete the journey. It was why she could never fully give herself to Jax and why he still kept his wedding ring close. They were never meant to get over one another. It was faith's cruel way of forcing them to realize how badly they need each other.

Courtney spun around on her heel, off to find Jason and inform him of her epiphany. She took one step before crashing hard into the chest of another person. She could feel the cool leather against her cheek and let a smile tug her lips. Only one man would wear a leather jacket in the middle of a blizzard and that man was the love of her life.

_Here were are as in olden days  
Happy golden days of yore  
Faithful friends who are dear to us  
Gather near to us once more_

"Thank God. I've been looking everywhere for you," Jason informed her as he reached down to help his ex wife to her feet."You have?"

"Yeah. We took a vote and it was unanimous, you're spending Christmas at Sonny's." He replied with a smile. She returned the grin and tried in vain to stop her teeth from chattering. "Where is your coat?"

"I forgot it," she answered and watched as he slid off his. "No I'm okay." There was no use arguing because he had already placed the jacket around her shoulders, holding it tight for good measure.

"How do you forget a jacket in a snow storm?"

"I had other things on my mind."

"Like what?" He asked as he guided her towards the car. Courtney bit on her bottom lip lightly trying to discern the best way to ease into the conversation. Maybe there was no easy way and Jason's eyes peering at her wasn't exactly conducive to her thinking process. She opened up her hand to reveal the band that she had been holding onto for most of the night.

"Sam asked me to return this to you," she whispered.

"How did Sam get a hold of my wedding ring?"

"She said it fell out of your pocket," the blonde answered and watched as his hand slid across hers, snatching the piece of metal in the process. She did her best ignore the tingle that the slight touch ignited. "Jason?"

"Yeah?" He avoided her gaze. Her petite hand grabbed hold of his arm and forced him around. Her blue eyes begged him for answers that he wasn't quite ready to give.

"Why do you carry around our wedding ring?" A sigh escaped his lips, but there was no verbal response. "Jase, I think I deserve an answer."

"I don't have one to give you." His tone was tight and she flinched. "I wish I knew why I feel safer when I have this with me. I wish I knew why I'm not ready to let go, yet. But I don't."

"It's okay." She assured him.

"What's okay?"

"It's okay to say that you still love me."

"No it's not," his voice rose. "I don't like the way I make you feel, Courtney. I saw the hurt in your eyes when we were together and I don't want to put it back there."

"Alive," she said slowly.

"What?"

"That's how you make me feel, Jason. Alive." He opened his mouth to speak, but she beat him to the punch. "I don't care about the past anymore. You can have your career and me at the same time. I just don't want to spend anymore time apart." Tears coated her cherry-red cheeks. She waited for him to say something, anything, but he stayed tight-lipped. "Did you hear a word I just said?" He nodded. "Then could you please offer a response? Possibly let me know if you are even any where near to feeling that way about me?"

His lips crushed on to hers and for a second she was caught off guard. It didn't take long for her to give into his touch and let herself collapse in his arms. When they pulled apart she let her fingers graze along his swollen lips.

"I still love you," his voice was husky and brought tears to her eyes.

"I still love you," she returned as the snow swirled around them.

"Courtney?"

"Yeah?"

"Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas, Jason."

_Through the years we all will be together  
If the Fates allow  
Hang a shining star upon the highest bough  
And have yourself a merry little Christmas now_

* * *

**_A/N:_** Cheesy? Probably, but it is a christmas story. Let me know what you think 


	15. True

**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything. The characters belong to GH and the song _True_ belongs to Ryan Cabrera. Transcripts are courtesy of _Journey Online._

**Summary**: Jason and Courtney's relationship recounted through some of their more memorable scenes. Lyrics are in bold and quotes are in italics. Jason's POV.

**True 1/1:**

**I won't talk  
I won't breathe  
I won't move till you finally see  
That you belong with me**

Jason: Would you - would you feel safer if I stayed on the couch?  
Courtney: I couldn't ask you to do that.  
Jason: Well, you didn't. Got an extra blanket?  
Courtney: I sure do.

I saw the fear that had taken up residence in her normally clear blue eyes and knew that there was no way I could leave her alone. Hell, I would sleep on that lumpy sofa for a thousand nights if that was what it took to give her peace of mind she so rightly deserved. I hardly knew her, but for some unknown reason I was drawn to her. She never wanted to be the damsel in distress and after what happened with Carly, I swore that my days as Port Charles's knight in shining amour were over. Yet, both of us were morphed into such characters. I wish I could say that it bothered me to be the one she turned to for everything, but it didn't. A.J. was no good for her. She needed someone that could protect her. Someone like me.

So that's how it started. Innocent and sweet. She was my boss's sister and it was my "duty" to protect her. And that's what I told myself over and over again. But despite my best efforts, my "duty" soon became the only source of pleasure in my life. I would dream of the days when she would be mine, because eventually she would be. Who care's that Sonny would kill me? Who cares that she's my sister-in-law? I sure as hell didn't.

You might think  
I don't look  
But deep inside in the corner of my mind  
I'm attached to you

Courtney: No, I couldn't stand it if anything happened to you. She pulls his face closer to hers When I saw you laying on that floor, I thought - They kiss passionately, then Courtney pulls away  
Courtney: This - this is crazy. I - I love A.J.  
Jason: I know. It won't happen again. Jason ruffles his wet hair  
Courtney: It can't.

I remember the rain pouring down around us, but I couldn't feel it. The only thing I was focused on was the tears mixed with rain that made her cherry red cheeks glisten. God, I don't think I've ever seen such a gorgeous mess in my life. In my moment of weakness, I succumbed to the urge that had steadily been rising each and every night in her living room. Her lips were trembling slightly and I knew the seed of doubt was beginning to flourish into flower. _It can't happen again._ Yeah right…

What is about her that makes my reasoning hazy? I'm not suppose feel. No, I'm Jason Morgan and I work on autopilot. Something needs to be fixed? I fix it. Someone needs to be killed? I kill them without any remorse. But with her things are so much different. My autopilot is turned off and I'm stuck traveling this bumpy road that I've never been down before. And this kiss in the rain was the largest bump and threw me far off course.

I don't want to admit I need her, but at the same time know it's the only way things will get better. The more I let these feelings fester, the worse it's going to get. And what if the unthinkable happens? What if I lose her without ever telling her the truth? Could I really turn her world upside just to make mine easier? I've been accused of many things in my lifetime, but selfish was never one of them. So, I turned and walked away with the solemn promise of getting myself to a hospital.

I'm weak  
It's true  
Cause I'm afraid to know the answer  
Do you want me too?  
Cause my heart keeps falling faster

_Courtney: I don't know Jason. I just, I'm just really confused right now. Right now the only way we can be together is in secret and maybe that's a sign we shouldn't be together at all.  
Jason: Is that what you want?  
Courtney: No, no I mean, I don't want to be the reason that you get in even more trouble. I just, if its safer for us to just stop than maybe we should.  
Jason: I don't want it to stop._

There she was giving me a free out. Yet, I couldn't take it. I thought that was what I wanted, a chance to walk away, but that intangible string pulled me closer to her. The love we share could never be a good thing, there were too many people to tell us that it wasn't. She shouldn't be worth fighting for. I've never put a girl before my business and my relationship with Sonny, but here I was holding onto her like I could never let go. Courtney knows exactly who I am and loves me for it anyways. Doesn't every man deserve the love of a good woman? Don't I deserve that?

All these conflicting emotions were becoming too much for me to deduce. I needed her, but did I need her more than I needed my job? I love her, but do I even know what love really is? It's these questions that haunt me late at night. The sneaking around is beginning to wear thin and I know it's only a matter of time before one of us breaks. I hope to god that it's me before her. I couldn't live with myself if I became the reason whythe light in her eyes doesn't twinkle like it used too. I meant it when I said that I didn't want it to stop. I meant it more than anything I've ever said in my entire life. Her kisses, soft and sweetwere like a drug to me and I quickly became an addict. She's my type of drug, euphoric and calming to the very end. And just like anything else, she'll slowly kill me, but what does it matter? I was already dead to begin with.

I've waited all my life  
To cross this line  
To the only thing that's true  
So I will not hide  
It's time to try anything to be with you  
All my life I've waited

Jason: I am not going to be the reason that you hurt yourself. If you try to save me again, I'll walk away. I don't - I don't ever want to walk away, Courtney. Please promise me you won't do this again.  
Courtney: I promise. You have to promise me something, too - that you're going to find a way to come back to me so we can be together again.  
Jason: I promise.

I hate feeling vulnerable. I hate knowing that she felt the unwavering need to save me. I did what I had to do to make sure that she would never act on that need again. I'm not sure if I could ever walk away from her for real, but my voice came out with enough conviction that she actually seemed to believe me. However, in the back of my mind, I'm flattered. For the first time in my life, someone deemed me important enough to risk life and limb for. No one has ever gone out of their way to make sure that I was taken care of. Sonny and Carly just assume that I can handle any situation. Emily, naïve to the very end, turns a blind eye. As for my parents, I think they gave up long ago on being my saviors.

Not Courtney, though. The girl that I have risked so much for just proved that she would do the same for me. Is it sick that I feel this way? Probably, but I'm tired of being politically correct. Plus, does it really matter if no one knows that these are the thoughts that plague me? Cause I could never share this with anyone, especially her. So when I look at her with eyes of stone demanding that she never try such a feat again, I hope that she knows it's for her own good. More than that, I hope she knows that underneath it all, I've never been more grateful.

You don't know  
What you do  
Every time you walk into the room  
I'm afraid to move

_Courtney: God, I love you so much.  
Jason: I love you, too. You know, some people never get to feel that.  
Courtney: Thank you for taking me here.  
Jason: I'm just trying to tell you that - that losing something matters. But what we have left matters more._

So this is what it's like when your world is falling down. Funny, I thought that there would be a bigger explosion. She's slowly losing hold on the world around her and I wonder how much longer before she lets go. Because everything I say to her doesn't seem to matter anymore. Sure, she listens but she doesn't hear what I'm telling her. She blanks out the pleading that tinges my voice as I beg to shoulder some of the burden with her. The sincerity when I profess my love is lost on her as well. It seems the only thing she can focus on is the pain of losing our daughter and I can't grab hold of her attention long enough for her to let go

She honestly believes that I blame her for the miscarriage and maybe deep down I do. But that doesn't mean I don't love her. It doesn't mean that I want to leave her. I just need some time to adjust myself, but know that second I walk away it's over. I can't collect myself until she finds a way to do the same. So I'm stuck trying to glue her back together and at the same time pretend that I'm not hurt. She doesn't think I care and maybe the problem is that I care too much. I've already lost my daughter and I don't know what to do if I lose my wife too. I love her, honestly and completely but it doesn't seem to be enough. It's not enough to dry her tears and most certainly not enough to bring our child back to life. So I do my best to soothe her with words that mean little if anything at all and quietly wallow in my own pain. It's nothing I haven't done before.

I'm weak  
It's true  
I'm just scared to know the ending  
Do you see me too?  
Do you even know you met me?

Courtney: You know what's funny? My mom has drilled it into me since before I could walk that I should marry a man with money, and I did. You could've given me anything I wanted - cars, jewelry. But in the end, I didn't want anything except for us to last. At least the divorce won't be a fight because I always hated fighting with you.  
Jason: There's nothing to fight about because I love you. It was an honor to be married to you, even for a little while.

I don't believe I've ever seen such an amicable divorce. We both parted and went our separate ways. No bitter words, no shameless backstabbing. Just silent surrendering. Maybe one day when the dust settles, we will be us again. But I'm not going to hold my breath. She'll move on and I'll be happy if not a little jealous. Courtney is my one and only, I know that and it seems like treason to let another woman sleep in her spot. I'm good at being alone, it's what I know best. But not her, she needs someone to hold her hand and rub her back as she falls to sleep. I can't be that person anymore. She doesn't want me to be that person anymore_…_

It hurts her too much to be with me and I always swore that I would never bring pain into her life. I know she loves me and maybe she always will, but I can't go on watching her die little by little with each passing day. The only thing that worries me is that one day when all is said and done, I'll be nothing but a memory to her. A distant thought as she curls into the arms of another man. Another man that won't love her half as much as did. Selfish? Yes, but such is human nature. I'm giving her up for the greater good and all the other bullshit excuses that people who are afraid say. I just want her to want me like she used before everything turned upside down. But things can never be the same so I do what I've always done: break myself to protect her.

I've waited all my life  
To cross this line  
To the only thing that's true  
So I will not hide  
It's time to try, anything to be with you  
All my life I've waited

Courtney: I think about the future all the time. You know, where I'll be a month from now or a year from now. You know, I try to predict the morning that I'll wake up and not miss you anymore. It hasn't happened yet, but it's so typical, right? Look, I know that there's no way to let go. I just - sooner or later, I'll find it.  
Jason: You start with saying the words. Goodbye.  
Courtney: Goodbye.

She walks away and the rain is still coating my jeans. Everything screams at me to chase after her and tell her that everything that was just saidis false. My legs seem stuck in place as I watch her quicken her pace. I can't do it.. She turns the corner and it's like she's just walked out of my life for good. There will be no more longing glances, short reunions. Nope, her days as Courtney Morgan are officially over and I am officially disgusted with myself. It was her primary instinct to try and save me, but that ultimatum I made came back and bit me in the ass. If I'm one thing, I'm a man of my word and just like I promised, we are over. I've made my bed and now I must lie in it alone.

I silently curse the weather as I force myself to head home. Stupid rain that always seems to remind me of that night where I held her in my arms for the first time. It seems like years ago and things have changed dramatically. Everything except of course my feelings for her, because they never seem to fade, only come back more intense. Can I really do this? Can I really do everything that I just coaxed Courtney to do? Will I ever be able to say goodbye and then turn my back on her? No, because she will forever be that voice in the back of my head that tells me the difference between right and wrong. My very own intuition woman, who unintentionally turns me into her prisoner.

I know when I go  
I'll be on my way to you  
The way that's true

I see her sitting in the corner of Kelly's. Her eyes are blood shot as she tries to no avail to force back the tears that burn her eyes. I'm not sure why I feel so drawn to her. It's been five years since the divorce. Seems like even longer since we've spoken to one another. Yet, I pull back the chair and slide in across from her. She forces on a fake smile and I realize how little she's changed. Always putting on her brave face for me. The silence suffices for awhile as I reach over and place a comforting hand over her shaky one. The edges of her large diamond cut into my hand quickly reminding me of our estrangement.

"How's the marriage?" I try to keep my voice light, but the meaning is not lost on either of us.

"In shambles," she returns with a sigh.

"I'm sorry."

"No you're not." And I know she's right. The silence returns and I notice a few questioning stares from the other patrons in the diner. Surely, this will be the hottest topic on the Port Charles rumor mill tomorrow. Not like it matters, I don't care about what others thinks and Courtney and her marriage to Jax have been talked about enough she's used to the whispers. "I wish I could go back in time." She says it so quietly thatI almost don't hear her.

"Why is that?" My voice is husky and the look that stay reserve for me only enters her eyes.

"Things that seemed insurmountable back then where a cake walk to what I'm dealing with now."

"It could be worse…"

"Oh yeah?" Her voice raises and octave and I watch as she quickly makes an effort to lower it. "Try knowing that your husband sneaks around behind your back to screw some trailer trash whore."

"Are you sure about that?"

"I hired an investigator." She rifles through her purse until she comes uptriumphantly with several photographs. The picturesare thrown on the table with a sigh and sure enough they show a less then stealth Jasper Jacks with his tongue down Sam McCall's throat. "It's nothing that I didn't know before."

"Why don't you leave?"

"And do what?" She asks with a raise of her manicured eyebrow. Before I can offer asolution, she cuts me off. "What Jax and I have isn't perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but at least I'm not alone." I've never heard her sound so broken and I wonder when exactly the charismatic Australian stripped her of her independence and dignity. The thought makes me angry and it takes all of my self control not to reach across the table and shake the stupidity out of her.

"You would never be alone." I try but she shakes her head.

"Who do I have?" She squeaks out. "Sonny? We both know that the only person who will beat him to the "I told you so" speech is Carly."

"What about me?" I ask softly.

"You mean my ex husband who I've barely said two words to in the past couple of years?" She returns sardonically.

"Who's fault is that?" I spit back. "You cut me out of your life."

"I did what I had to do to protect my marriage."

"Well, that worked out real well for you…" It's a cheap shot, but one that I can't stop from escaping my lips.

"Don't you think I know that? I screwed up and I'll be the first to admit it, but there's nothing I can do to fix it."

"What makes you so sure about that?" I reach out to push a strand of her long blonde hair behind her ear. "Maybe there's a reason I'm here right now. Maybe there's a reason why we've been through all the shit we've been through."

"Because fate hates us?" She asks with an amused look lightening up her facial features.

"Because we belong with one another." I reply.

"I don't even know you anymore."

"I'm the same person I've always been only a few years older."

"I'm scared." She whispers. "I don't want to get hurt again."

"I can't promise that I won't hurt you anymore." Her face falls in response. "But I can promise that I'll follow every time you walk away." I watch as her gaze concentrates on the glint of her wedding ring. Sighing she slides it off and I feel as if a ton has been lifted off my shoulders.

"I guess that's all I can ask for." She smiles as she places the diamond in the center of the table. I get up and offer my hand and watch as she takes it with a smile. All the questioning stares are forgotten as she leans close to me. "For better or worse?"

"For better or worse." I confirm with a smile.


	16. Back To You

**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything. The characters belong to GH and the song _Back To You_ belongs to John Mayer.

**A/N:** Okay, I wicked stole this song from Nicole and I hope she doesn't mind me using it. Set in present time, sort of. Jax is with Courtney and Sam is with Jason, which is all you really know.

**Summary:** Funny how time and distance change you. The road you take don't always lead you home. You can start a love with good intentions and then you look up and it's gone.

****

Back To You 1/1:

Back to you  
It always comes around  
Back to you  
I tried to forget you  
I tried to stay away  
But it's too late

Courtney let out an uncomfortable sigh as her eyes searched out another seat, but the curiously busy park offered no other vacancies than the one beside him. She carefully slid onto the hard wooden bench, hoping that her presence would go unnoticed, but no such luck as he cocked his head and gave her a long sideways look.

"I like to eat my lunch here…" She provided before he could ask. A smile came across his face as she went about removing the contents out of her small brown lunch bag. A sandwich, that he would be willing to bet was peanut butter and jelly. Only grape jelly of course, because Courtney Matthews would never dream of eating a different kind. He hated how his still knew that and how he knew that she would casually slip a few potato chips between the two pieces of bread. He watched as she removed a few other baggies, one holding the potato chips and the other holding what appeared to be cookies. Just as he thought, she wasted no time pulling apart her sandwich and placing four chips on it before putting it back together. She caught he lopsided grin and gave him a weird look. "What?"

"You're never going to change are you?" Jason asked with a small chuckle.

"I'll have you know that this is a perfectly delicious sandwich," she replied holding her lunch in his face for good measure.

"I'm sure it is." He replied with a roll of his eyes and rejected the half of her PB&J she offered.

"So what are you doing out here?" She asked in between bites.

"Penthouse was getting a little claustrophobic." He answered honestly without taking his steely blue eyes off the pond in front of them.

"What's that suppose to mean?"

"Nothing…" He replied softly.

"Everything ok, Jase?" Her voice held a tinge of concern and his heart shook a little.

"Everything is just fucking great." He snapped and saw as she shrugged back away from him. "Sorry. I didn't mean…"

"It's ok. You want to talk about it?"

"I don't think that's a good idea."

"Why not?" She asked with a raise of her manicured eyebrow. "Jason, before everything, we were friends. You remember that? You listened when I needed to talk and I tried to listen, but you never talked. Anyways…" He let out a laugh and she gave him her trademark pout. "I know things will never be the same between us, but I'd like to pretend that we could at least be friends again."

"You ever feel trapped?" He asked softly and she nodded in response. "Like no matter how hard you try to stop it, the walls are closing around you. And you know that you're going to die, but there's no other solution."

"There is always another alternative."

"There isn't when you're being strangled by your own promises." He replied and Courtney felt her heart stop. Jason really seemed bothered, more so than she had ever seen him and she had seen him through some really bad times. Still, he always had hope and no there was none of that shining in his eyes.

"What's this about." She asked and watched as he turned away. She reached out and placed a comforting hand on his cheek, turning it ever so slightly. "Jason, tell me what's up."

"Sam wants to have a baby." He answered honestly and saw the color drain from his ex wife face.

"Oh." She replied quietly trying somehow to regain her composure. Why did that hurt so much, she wondered. She was engaged to another man and he was trying to have a baby with another woman. Oh God, the thought made her sick to her stomach and it took everything to keep down the vomit that was slowly rising up her throat.

"I don't think I can do it, though." He continued on and caught her attention.

"Wh- Why not?" She stuttered.

"Because you are the only woman that I could picture being the mother of my children."

Over you  
I'm never over  
Over you  
Something about you  
It's just the way you move  
The way you move me

Courtney felt her head grow light and had to grip his arm to remain sitting up. What? Her mind screamed causing her brain to pound viscously in her skull. He wouldn't look at her, but she could see the blush creeping up his cheeks and quickly realized that he never meant to say that. Whether or not the comment was true, it was something that he obviously wanted to keep to himself.

"Jason, you are going to need to explain this to me a little further. Because maybe it's just me, but I was under the impression that we were done." She whispered and watched as he cringed slightly.

"I can't explain it." He replied. "I thought I was over you. I really did. But then Sam started talking about children and…"

"Maybe it's just cold feet." Courtney offered softly. "And if it is, than you have nothing to worry about because you are going to be an amazing father."

"Please don't say that…"

"But it's the truth."

"But when you say things like that, I know that I'm with the wrong girl." He confessed.

"I'm just trying to help, Jase." She replied.

"Don't!" He stood up and began pacing on the grass before her. "I knew I shouldn't have talked to you about this."

"Why?"

"Because you're the problem." He shot back and she felt a lump form in her throat. Anger began to bubble in her stomach and she tried desperately to keep it from boiling over.

"Don't you dare put this on me, Jason Morgan!" She ordered with a growl. "It's not my fault that we aren't together anymore and I definitely won't let you put your failing relationship on my conscience."

"Don't you see, Courtney?" He asked. "I'm not the same person I was before we fell in love and I don't know how to get him back."

"Why would you want to?"

"Because before you, I didn't care. I could be happy with Sam right now, because I wouldn't know any different." He kept his voice quiet, but people were still watching curiously.

"I don't buy that." She replied. "You're not happy right now, because you don't want to be. You know that you don't love Sam and it kills you."

"Says Jasper Jacks fiancée." He snarled. "That man is the most superficial person on the face of the earth. And if you weren't so drop dead gorgeous, he wouldn't give you a second look let alone marry you."

"Don't put down my relationship just because yours' sucks." She shot back with an annoyed glare.

"Answer me this Courtney: What do you love more his looks or his money?" Tears burned in the back of her eyes.

"Neither. I love the fact that he's not you, Jason." Her tone was icy and he snapped his head back as if he had just been slapped. "I love how I always come first, no matter what."

"But do you love _him?_" He asked with an intense glare. Courtney didn't answer, instead rose from her seat and turned to walk away. His arms wrapped around her waist before she could get too far. "Answer me."

"I'm going to spend the rest of my life with Jax."

"But you don't love him." He finished.

"Love is overrated," she told him with tears clinging to her long eyelashes. "I mean look where it got us."

I'm so good at forgetting  
And I quit every game I play  
But forgive me, love  
I can't turn and walk away  
This way

She remained in his arms and by now, the bystanders were whispering among themselves, but she didn't care. Jason's gaze continued to hold her captive, challenging her to try and leave. And she wanted to leave, but damn if her legs didn'tturn to jelly. Could she really do this with him again. It was suicide and she knew it, but her heart refused to hear it. Their relationship was a miserable failure, one that followed her around like a lost puppy dog. Yet, somewhere in the back of her mind, she held onto hope that one day it would fall into place and everything would be good. Her and Jason would be happy and nothing would tear them apart.

But then she met Jax. And while she wasn't quite sure of her feelings for him, she was sure of the fact that he made her happy. With everything that had happened with Jason, she decided to put all her energy into their relationship, determined not to lose out again. And it had worked and everything had been great until she sat down on the bench today. Now, her loyalty to Jax was being tested and she wasn't doing very well. She just wanted to have something constant in her life. For as long as she could remember, things changed. She was always moving and changing her mind, but it was inevitable.

Except with Jason (of course), she never got bored with him. He was the only thing that could hold her attention for long periods of time and she lost that. So, she reverted back to her old way. Rearranging everything in her life every few weeks, because she felt safe that way. If things never stayed the same for too long than she would never miss the way they were.

"Courtney." His breath was hot in her ear. "Let's get out of here." She knew she was fighting a losing battle as she tried desperately to stand her ground. But when his hand encompassed hers so gently, she realized that there was no place she wouldn't follow him to.

Back to you  
It always comes around  
Back to you  
I walk with your shadow  
I'm sleeping in my bed  
With your silhouette

She recognized their path to the loft and wondered out of all the places why he would want to go there. He opened the door for her and waitedasshe climbed up the stairs and stopped in front of her apartment. He noticed the look of uncertainty on her face.

"Why here?" She asked with tears coating her voice.

"Why not?"

"It's too special." She answered honestly. "Too sacred to be ruined."

"Who's going to ruin it?"

"You are." Courtney shot back. "I'm not naïve enough to think that when I wake up in the morning you'll be next to me, Jase. I know better. I know that despite you feelings for me, you loyalty lies with Sam. And I don't want to tarnish this place with all that."

"What if I promised you something." He asked. "What if I told you that I have no intentions of leaving until it's absolutely necessary and when I do leave, Sam is the last person I'm going to."

"It's sounds lovely, but it's not reality. You know it."

"I know that there is no one in this world that I need more than you." He whispered tenderly as his hand reached out and pushed a stray strand of blonde hair behind her ear. And just like that, her lips were crushing onto his. They fumbled through the door way and she led him into the bedroom that once was considered "theirs" instead of just "hers".

"Jason, I love you." She declared between kisses and he felt his heart soar. Her voice was sweet and light as she spoke to him. Nothing like Sam's deep broody brogue. He had spent a lot of time comparing the two woman. Mostly at night as Sam lay snoring softly next to him. He would close his eyes and pretend it was Courtney lying next to him. Courtney kissing his neck in the middle of the night. Courtney promising to love him forever. And as it turned out, he was pretty good at fooling himself. Until the morning arrive and the harsh reality set in, the sun would shine on her dark hair revealing that the night before was nothing but a fantasy.

Her relatively short nails clawed at his shirt and brought him back to present time. She looked at him, her eyes heavily lidded with passion as she pulled him down onto the bed. The next few hours were a blur of body parts and promises whispered to one another. As she lay in his arms, he realized that the sun was setting and wondered how time had passed so quickly. It seemed just moments ago when she sat next to him in the park. Her blonde hair felt soft on his bare chest and her breathing began to lull him to sleep, but before darkness would overtake him something caught the corner of his eye.

Should have smiled in that picture  
If it's the last that I'll see of you  
It's the least that you  
Could not do

Resting on her nightstand in the corner was picture of them. He recognized it as one that was taken on the island, just before the divorce. The sunset offered a moving background, but that was the only thing pretty about the picture. Courtney's blonde hair was pulled into a messy ponytail revealing the look of sadness that engulfed her normally clear blue eyes. He wondered why he never noticed it before. Maybe because he never looked for it. He always just assumed she was happy and tried hard to ignore the hurt that would sometimes show on her facial features. Normally she would try and hide it from him. Offer a bright smile and pretend that everything was perfect.

But in this picture, she didn't even bother. She must have known it was coming to end. That it was only a matter of time until they self-destructed. His stomach churned slightly and he wondered how he had let it get so bad. How had he gone months without even talking to her? How had he turned his back so easily on her? Jason felt disgusted with himself as he watched her rest peacefully. She seemed content and he promised himself that she would remain that way. He would never let the look that the photograph captured sneak into her eyes again. Somehow he knew that there was only one way he could do that. He carefully slid out of bed and quietly put his dark jeans and black T-shirt on. He offered her a parting glance before slipping through the cracked door.

_Leave the light on,  
I'll never give up on you,  
Leave the light on,  
For me too, for me too_

Jason walked through the empty streets of Port Charles. The warm day had given way to a cool night and sent most of the citizens indoors. The walk to the Penthouse was a lot shorter than he remembered and he tried to quell the butterflies that were beginning to flutter in his stomach. _You're doing what's best_, he reminded himself on his way into the elevator.

The ding signaled his stop and he stepped out and made his way to his apartment. Taking a deep breath, he pushed open the door and found what he was looking for curled up on the couch. He entered quietly, not wanting to wake her. She looked so innocent and small as her chest rose and fell with each breath. She didn't deserve to be cheated. Sure, Sam was overbearing, but everything she did was out of love for him. He reached out and placed a shaky hand on her flat stomach, which caused a soft moan to escape from her lips. He sighed and watched as her eyes fluttered opened to reveal her chocolate brown orbs.

"Hey," she smiled sweetly. "I've been waiting for you."

"You have?"

"Yeah, I was getting kind of worried." She whispered as her hands began to play with his fingers that were still resting on her stomach.

"Why?"

"Because I love you." She answered as if he had just asked her the dumbest question she had ever heard. She waited a beat before speaking again. "This is the part when you say "I love you, too".

"I…"

__

Meanwhile

Courtney shifted slightly and felt the empty spot next to her. She struggled to keep the tears at bay as she searched the darkness for his figure, but came up empty. God, he had done it to her again. Tricked her into laying her heart on the line. She wanted to say she was angry, but she was more disappointed. She wanted to believe that he wouldn't lie to her. That maybe he was running to the store or out in the kitchen, but she knew better. He was with Sam. All the words that he had told her in throes of passion meant nothing. Courtney was convient for him. Someone he knew would always be there, because she was too stupid to show him otherwise. Her cell phone ringing caught her attention and for a second her breath caught in her throat. Maybe it was him calling her to say how stupid he was and how he would be at her apartment in a moment, instead her caller ID revealed Jax's number.

"Hello," she answered trying to cover the sadness with her voice.

"Everything ok?"

"Why wouldn't it be?"

"Your office said you never came back from lunch." He replied and Courtney let her eyes slide close.

"Yeah. I just wasn't feeling so hot." She lied easily.

"Do you want me to come over?" He offered.

"No it's ok." She waited for his protest, but none came. "I really need some time to myself, Jax."

"Then I'll talk to you tomorrow?"

"I'm not sure." She answered numbly. "I'm not sure if I can do this with you anymore."

"We're engaged, Court." He growled. "You just can't walk away from that."

"Please. I just want some space." She pleaded and heard him let out a sigh. "You smothering me isn't going to change anything except to push me further away."

"I love you." He told her and Courtney honestly believe it was the truth.

"I…"

_Back to me  
I know that it comes  
Back to me  
Doesn't it scare you  
Your will is not as strong  
As it used to be_

Jason stood out front her building. The darkness was comforting as he prepared himself to go inside and talk to her. His hand was on the door, but before he could open it someone else came out and collided into him. He immediately reached out to break the other person's fall and was surprised to find his ex wife in his arms. She seemed just as shocked to see him.

"What are you doing here?" She asked sliding out of his grasp and smoothing out the skirt that clung perfectly to her curves.

"I came to talk to you."

"You broke your promise."

"I know and I'm sorry."

"Are you?" She asked, her voice a little more high-pitched than she would have liked.

"Yes. I just needed to see Sam---"

"You're so predictable, you know that Jason?" She cut off his statement. "And now you're here to do damage control, right? Well, spare me the lecture, because I'd rather not hear it." She spun around and began to retreat up to her apartment.

"I broke up with her." Jason said softly and saw Courtney hesitate but not turn around. "I told her that it was unfair for me to lead her on when my heart belonged to someone else."

"Who's that?" She asked.

"The same girl who I kissed in the rain. The same girl who rescued me from myself even when I didn't want her to." He let his hands rub her arms softly. "The same girl I vowed to spend the rest of my life with."

"What if she doesn't want you?"

"Then I guess I'll spend every day of my life wishing that she did and thinking up ways to win her back." He answered honestly. Courtney knew she should walk away and that if it was anyone else she would have. But he still had that hold over her and try as she might, it wouldn't break. He carefully spun her around and let his lips slide softly onto hers. She sunk into his touch. "Where were you going?"

"When?" She asked leaning her head onto his shoulder.

"A minute ago."

"Oh, I was going to find you." She answered without thinking and immediately felt her cheeks begin to grow red. "I mean…"

"I think someone loves me." He teased as he lifted her chin to offer a better view of her face.

"I think someone is full of himself." She shot back with a grin.

"Just admit." He ordered playfully as he placed small kisses on her neck.

"Never." She groaned softly as his tongue began to trace a trail to her collar bone.

"I love you." He told her.

"I know you do." She focused on the sense of pleasure that was taking over her body. "Because I am the only person stupid enough to put up with your ass."

"You love my ass."

"So what if I do?" She replied.

"I knew you loved me!" He smiled triumphantly.

"I said your ass. Nothing about you as a person."

"Well, my ass is an extension of myself."

"Just give it up, sweetheart." She demanded softly as she lead him up the stairs that they had taken hours before. She stopped half way and pulled him into a deep kiss. "Jason."

"Hmm.."

"I love you." She whispered sweetly and watched as a grin spread across his face.

"I knew it."


	17. Me and You

**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything. The characters belong to GH. The song _Me and You_ belongs to Kenny Chesney

**A/N:** Extreme alternate universe in this story. Courtney and Carly grew up together and have been best friends since they were young girls. Sonny is still Courtney's brother and Jason is Sonny's best friend and they have known each other all their lives. Anything else should be explained in the story.

**Summary:** What if Jax had come before Jason and Courtney. What if there were never a Journey to begin with? What happens when you suddenly see an old friend in a different light? Can you move past your first love and settle down with a new one? Set around a dynamic friendship that no one can understand unless they've been there.

****

Me and You 1/1:

Ordinary no, really don't think so  
Not a love this true  
Common destiny  
We were meant to be  
Me and you

Courtney stepped off the commercial plane and took in her surroundings. She felt uneasy about arriving in France, considering the close proximity of her due date. But it had been years since anyone had seen or heard from Carly and when she called Courtney out of the blue a few days ago, Courtney knew there was no way she could pass up seeing herold friend. Speaking of the devil, she saw Carly waving deliriously at her. Her friend was a woman cut from a different cloth then most. After all, most people wouldn't just walk away from their family and friends without so much as a goodbye. But that's what Carly had done and no one ever really questioned why. It wasn't exactly a surprise to anyone, least of all Courtney. Carly had been her best friend for almost fifteen years and both girls knew she was destined for more than Port Charles had to offer.

So what if she had a husband? Jax was never something Carly loved. He was just something that Courtney had and Carly wanted, so she took him. That was the twisted thing about their friendship. Carly would stab Courtney in the back numerous times, but Courtney could never walk away. Even after Carly announced her engagement to Jax, who had been Courtney's first love, the blonde didn't seem angered. She had been used to this. Used to Carly being the star while she played back up singer. Did it suck? Hell yes it did, but it was something that came second nature to Courtney. After all, deep down Carly never really meant to hurt her, she just didn't understand that there were some boundaries that could never be crossed between best friends. And Courtney somewhat blamed herself for never setting those boundaries with her.

"Oh my god! Look at you! You look so…" Carly snapped her fingers trying to think of the word. "Pregnant. That's it. You look so pregnant!" Courtney gave her a small smile as she let her hand rub the smooth white fabric that covered her protruding stomach. Most maternity clothes were a bitch, but Courtney actually liked the airy white sundress she had bought especially for this occasion.

"Thanks." Courtney grinned as she took in her best friend. Carly was dressed in a cream colored pant suit. Her long dark hair flowing in the warm summer breeze. She looked young and vibrant, things Courtney hadn't felt in almost two years.

"Okay first off, I get to ask all the questions." Courtney nodded in response, knowing this was Carly's best defense. She needed to feel as if she were in control. The two girls walked through the crowded airport, arms tucked around one another as Carly chatted about all the things they would do and see in their weekend adventure. Courtney listened somewhat distractedly, her mind was back home. Her mind was with him and she wondered why she even agreed to this crazy trip if it meant being apart from her love during a time when she needed him the most.

"So you and Jason?" It was more of a statement then a question and it shook Courtney out of her trance.

"How did you know?" Courtney asked giving her best friend a weird look as her finger tip glided along the classic diamond of her wedding ring.

"I have my connections," was her response, which only served to heighten the blonde's curiosity. As far as she had known, Carly hadn't made contact with anyone from Port Charles. Not her mother and definitely not Jax. "Wish I could say I was surprised."

"You aren't?"

"Oh come on!" The brunette shoved her playfully. "The way you guys would look at each other growing up. It was only a matter of time." Courtney didn't say anything, mostly because she was unsure of what exactly her friend was talking about. There had been nothing between her and Jason until that night at Jax and Carly's wedding. At least nothing that she had ever noticed.

Like a perfect scene from a movie screen  
We're a dream come true  
Suited perfectly for eternity  
Me and you

"So…" Carly prodded.

"So…What?" Courtney replied somewhat agitated.

"Watch it. I thought we agreed: I ask the questions."

"Sorry," Courtney mumbled as she followed Carly into a small bistro. As the two women were being seated, the brunette spoke again.

"How did it happen? How did you and Jason come together?" She asked excitedly and the topic brought a smile to Courtney's face.

"Funny you should ask that…" She replied with a devious grin. "Because it occurred on the night that you screwed me over." It was sharp jab and if Carly was fazed, she didn't show it.

"The night me and Jax got married?"

"Correct. Sort of." Courtney answered. "It was actually the rehearsal dinner." Courtney's mind quickly faded to that night all those years before and she noticed how little the distance and time had changed her best friend. Still oblivious to the very end.

__

Flashback

Courtney slid through the packed restaurant trying desperately to avoid the looks of pity that were etched on everyone's faces. She knew what they were thinking: "Poor girl. Best friend's marrying her first boyfriend while she watches on as the matron of honor." The distinction made her sick and she did her best to forget it with each drink. She settled in the corner and watched as the soon-to-be bride and groom entered the room. Instinctively, her eyes connected with Jax's brilliant blue ones. She did her best to ignore the fluttering in her stomach and the weakness in her knees. His gaze shone with love for her and not the leggy brunette on his arm. She grabbed a passing champagne flute and toasted him from across the room. The bubbly drink helped force down the tears that clogged her throat and she finally broke their stare.

"Hey Blondie." Jason's light voice taunted her. She let a smile come across her lips, he was the only one who would ever get away with calling her that.

"Hi," she greeted quietly as she took in the duo before her. Sonny stood tall, seeming quite concerned about his baby sister. And Jason, well the years had changed him. He was no longer the lanky eighteen year old Courtney remembered as he got on a bus headed towards Boston. No, now his tall stature was filled brilliantly with just the right amount of muscle and fat. His light blue eyes still shone with laughter that no one else would ever understand.

"How you holding up?" Sonny asked with a worried glance towards the couple at the head of the room.

"Just perfect. After all, I'm the Matron of Honor." She plastered a smile to her face as she downed yet another flute of champagne. Immediately, she knew that it was a bad idea. The bubbles went straight to her head and she felt her self begin to sway involuntarily. The boys noticed and looked at each before ushering her out the door. They carefully set her down on the sandy beach overlooked by the restaurant. Courtney closed her eyes, willing the spinning to stop and did her best to drown out Sonny and Jason's reminiscing about "the old times."

"I can't believe Carly's getting married." Sonny whispered as he kept a watchful eye on his sister.

"I know, it seems like only yesterday she was sixteen and her and Courtney would spend all day bugging us." Jason agreed. Courtney didn't stir at the mention of her name. She hoped that they would think she was asleep and leave her there to be washed away with the tide.

"You remember that time when we ditched them in the cemetery after dark."

"Oh yeah. I don't think I've ever seen anyone more scared than when those two came running into your dad's apartment." Jason replied with a smile. "Carly had ripped her T-shirt trying to get through the fences and ended up slicing deep into her rib cage. Your dad made me clean it out as punishment."

"Yeah well that's better than the two weeks of grounding I got."

"You got me there." Jason agreed as he knelt a warm hand on Courtney's forehead. The blonde tried to ignore the jolt of electricity that the touch had caused. 'Now, that's interesting' she thought. Jax had been the only who could ever evoke those feelings in her, but Jason? The dizziness returned along with the sound of footsteps approaching them.

"There you guys are!" She recognized Carly's mother's voice. "I've been looking all over. Dinner is about to start."

"We'll be right in," Sonny assured Bobbie before turning his attention to Jason. "Suppose it's time to get her up."

"Come on, Blondie." She heard Jason call as he nudged her softly. Courtney peered at him through squinted eyes and saw a grin light up his cherubic face.

"Tell them I died." She begged.

"Afraid I can't do that." He replied as a hand reached out and pulled her upright. She looked towards Sonny who squeezed her arm before making the trek back towards the restaurant. Jason stayed where he was and she held up a finger that told him to wait a moment. Before she could process it, her feet were bringing her close to the water's edge. She reached in and let a small wave come across her hand. She brought it in and padded the cool water to her forehead feeling the haziness begin to fade. Letting out a sigh, she headed back towards Jason who had waited patiently.

"Let's roll." She whispered.

"That's my girl." He smiled as he took her petite hand in his much larger one.

"Jase."

"What's up?"

"I was the one with the ripped T-shirt," she informed him and watched as his face grew slightly red with embarrassment. She didn't say anything else, instead continued to latch on to his touch. And that's how they remained the whole night. He never let go and she never asked him to.

End Flashback

**Every day, I need you even more  
And the night time too  
There's no way  
I could ever let you go  
Even if I wanted to**

"So that's it?" Carly asked somewhat disappointed. "I mean you didn't even give me the hot and steamy details."

"Because none of that happened until later."

"I don't understand. I asked you…" Carly pouted.

"You asked me how we got together and that's what I told you. Because after that night, things were never the same between us."

"How so?" Courtney let out a sigh as she took down a gulp of ice water.

"I moved to Boston soon after you took off." She saw a look of pain come across her friend's face at the mention of her departure, which had occurred less than two months after she married Jax. Courtney smiled satisfactorily before continuing on with her story. "He was the only person I knew in the city and we remained in contact with one another. And we were friends for a long time…"

"Until?"

"Until we got stuck in the rain one night coming home from a late movie." She could still feel the torrential rain slamming into her skin. "And Jason lived closer to the theater than me, so we ran to his place."

"And?" Carly prodded.

"And I realized that I didn't want to be "just friends" anymore. One thing lead to another and…" She trailed off and the brunette laughed gleefully.

"You two got it on!" Her high pitched voice raised a few eyebrows of nearby patrons and reddened Courtney's face.

"Yeah something like that." The blonde returned and listened as the other woman squealed. "After that, we just kind of decided that we were better together than we were apart."

"You make it sound so formal."

"Well, it is."

"It's not suppose to be."

"Says who?" Courtney protested.

"Me." Carly contended. "Love is suppose to be spontaneous and romantic. Not cold like some business agreement."

"You have some nerve lecturing me on love." Courtney growled and was met with a shrug of her companion's shoulders. "You walked out on your supposed 'love'."

"I never loved Jax."

"Yeah that's right. You just wanted to prove to me that you could have him if you wanted." Anger was beginning to grow in her stomach.

"Hey! He proposed to me!" Carly defended herself.

"But you didn't have to say yes."

"What was I suppose to say? No?" Courtney nodded in response. "That would have hurt his feelings." And just like that, the anger left. Naïve and crazy as she was, Carly could never stand to see pain in people's face. That's why it was easier for her to run, she wouldn't have to watch the damage she caused rather than stay around and dwell in it.

"What about my feelings?"

"I thought you would understand…"

"You always think that."

"And I'm always right."

**Every day I live  
Try my best to give  
All I have to you  
Thank the stars above  
That we share this love Me and you**

"So what's it like being married to your true love?" Courtney contemplated the question as she munched on a leaf of romaine from her Caesar salad.

"I never really thought of it like that." She confessed.

"Jesus Courtney! Do you even love him?"

"Of course I do! I wouldn't have married him if I didn't." She replied without hesitation and saw Carly look somewhat saddened by the unintentional shot at her. "What is true love anyways?" Courtney quickly changed the subject and a silence fell between both woman and stayed there for quite sometime. Each one trying to put an exact finger on what true love was and felt like, but both coming up empty.

"You know when I found out I was pregnant with our first child, Emma." Courtney started referring her daughter that would soon be turning seven. "Jason had just started out his first motorcycle shop and was working all sorts of crazy hours. Sometimes even all night."

"That sucks." Carly commented and watched as her friend nodded her head in agreement.

"I would get these wicked bouts of morning sickness." The blonde continued on imagining the scene in her head. "And it didn't matter what time he had worked till the night before, Jason would get up and follow me into the bathroom. He'd sit on the edge of the tub, hold my hair and rub my back. Once it was over and I was all pukey and gross, he would look me in the eye and tell me how beautiful I was. Then he would usher me back to bed."

"That's sweet and all, Court." Carly replied. "But are you sure you're not confusing comfort and security with love?"

"No."

"How can you be sure?"

"Jason drives me crazy sometime, but when I close my eyes and think of that scene that occurred almost every morning for a solid two months, I know…"

"Know what?" Carly asked in confusion.

"That I'm where I belong. Jason is who I belong with even if he's not necessarily who I thought I would end up spending the rest of my life with."

"Meaning he's not Jax?"

"Correct and for once that's ok." Courtney replied. "Jason loves me unconditionally and I feel the same way for him. With Jax, things got old so quickly and I used to think that things would be perfect if we met later in life, so things would remain newer and maybe I wouldn't be bored with the idea of marrying him. "

"What's it like with Jason?"

"With Jason…" Courtney couldn't help the smile that came across her face. "Things never stay the same. I'm not bored when we make love, because it seems different, more exciting each time. "

"Now you're getting to the good stuff." Carly broke in with a smile.

"I could honestly picture myself spending the rest of my life in his arms and it would never seem mundane." The blonde finished and saw a look of envy displayed by her companion.

Every day, I need you even more  
And the night time too  
There's no way  
I could ever let you go  
Even if I wanted to

"You miss them, don't you?" Carly asked on their last night togetheras she caught Courtney staring at a picture of her family back home.

"It's barely been forty-eight hours." She replied sadly.

"Yeah well, you never were cut out for the life on the road." She took the picture out of her friend's grasp and studied it carefully. Jason had Courtney in his arms in front of a picturesque sunset and a young girl accompanied by an even younger boy lay at their feet smiling wildly.

"That was last year." Courtney filled her in. "I never thought we were going to get Emma and Matty to sit long enough to take the picture.

"How old are they?"

"She's six and he's three." Carly nodded. "I'm sure they would love to meet you."

"Don't try it."

"What?" The blonde batted her eyelashes innocently.

"I'm not going back."

"Why?" No response. "I don't care if I'm not suppose to ask the questions, but I have to know, Carly. What in Port Charles scares you so badly that you won't return?"

"You wouldn't get it."

"I wouldn't get it?" She asked indignantly. "This is me you are talking to."

"I know who I'm talking too!" Carly screeched. "Courtney, the girl with the perfect husband, the perfect children and the fucked up best friend."

"I don't think of you that way."

"You don't? Because you sure could have fooled me." Was the brunette's bitter response.

"Don't turn this on to me, ok?"

"It's hard not to." Carly replied sadly. "You have everything I always wanted. Don't you see that's why I had to marry Jax. Because he made you happy and I thought in turn that he could make me happy as well. I thought that we could have the cute little family…"

"You didn't stick around long enough to have the 'cute little family'." Courtney reasoned.

"Because he was never was going to love me like he still loves you. And it was only a matter time until you guys got back together."

"I'm never reuniting with Jax. I have Jason and he's all I need." It was a statement said with such vindication that it caught both women off guard.

"Yeah now. But not when I left."

"I would have never taken him from you, I love you too much to do that."

"So what? I love you, too and it didn't stop me." Carly replied.

"That's the difference between us."

"Because you are a good person and I'm not."

"No, Carl." Courtney held her hand up. "You are a great person, just a little misguided."

"Stay here for at least another week." Carly immediately changed the subject.

"I can't."

"I know."

"I'm sorry." Courtney apologized for something she wasn't sure she did. Carly curled up next to her in response and an uneasy tension overtook the room. Neither was sure how long they stayed like that until Courtney finally stood and began to pack. The brunette didn't say anything, just watched sadly.

"Don't make it another eight years without calling, Carly." The blonde ordered as she headed for the door. Deep down she knew that this was possibly the last time she would see her best friend and it broke her heart, but there was nothing she could do to stop it. She needed to go home. She needed Jason to rub her back and tell her everything was going to be okay, even if it wasn't.

"I love you, Court." Carly whispered and the blonde threw her a brilliant smile in return.

"Right back at you, sweetie."**Ordinary no, I really don't think so  
Just a precious few  
Ever make it last  
Get as lucky as  
Me and you  
Me and you**

Courtney stood in the busy terminal that was Logan Airport. Her eyes searched out Jason and she found him leaning against a pole, hands slid into his pockets as he watched passer-bys uninterestedly. She felt her heart flutter at the sight of him and couldn't help the goofy grin that emerged. She crossed the crowded distance between them and stood right in front of him.

"Waiting for someone special?" She asked and watched as he nodded slowly in return.

"Yeah, I wonder where she could be." He returned playfully and was met with a soft push.

"I guess I'll just have to do instead."

"I guess so." He linked an arm around her waist and guided her carefully through the masses of people. They chatted idly of her trip and she told him of the places she had seen. The Louver, Eiffel Tower, and the Van Gough museum were all sights that Carly had taken her to see. He listened feigning interest, butbothknew that Paris was never his kind of city.

"How were things with Carly?" He asked quietly and Courtney let a smile run across her lips.

"Strange, as usual."

"I wouldn't expect anything different." They had finally made it to the car and he was opening the door for her when she leaned forward and kissed him softly.

"I missed you."

"I'm a very miss able guy," he joked and she shook her head.

"I love you."

"I love you, too." He returned as he placed a hand on her belly. And at that exact moment, Courtney found the peace she had been looking for since she stepped off the plane in Paris and hoped that where ever she was, Carly was feeling it too.


	18. Scars

**Disclaimer:** The characters belong to GH and the song, _Scars_ belongs to Papa Roach.

**A/N:** This is a follow up to my last song fic, _Me and You._ I highly suggest that you read that one first to gain some sort of understanding.

****

Scars

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut  
My weakness is that I care too much  
And my scars remind me that the past is real  
I tear my heart open just to feel

The wind swept around the small group of mourners. Courtney took a short inventory of who was there, making a mental note to send thank you cards. Bobbie stood off to the side, crocodile tears coursing down her wrinkled cheeks. Beside her was Sonny. He look uninterestedly at the simple wooden marker, but Courtney knew he was quietly dying inside. As much as Carly had annoyed him, she was still like a sister to him. Jax and his new girlfriend Sam were there. Jax seemed extremely perturbed by the proceedings and kept looking towards her anxiously. Sam was obviously not a fan of the pointed looks and did everything in her power to keep Jax's attention. Jason, herself and the kids rounded out the crowd.

It was strange that they were doing this. Mourning the death of a friend that they weren't positively sure was dead. It came like a blow to her stomach when a man with a thick French accent called to inform her that Carly had not come home from her nightly swim. All the local authorities were informed and a search was executed, but the only thing found was the her pink polka doted bikini. The trace blood found on it was enough for the police to call the case cold. It was widely assumed that a shark had gotten to her or that she just merely drowned in the murky waters.

Still, Courtney was quick to call the proceedings a ceremony, not a memorial. Memorial indicated that Carly was indeed dead and no matter how logical it seemed, it was something that blonde wasn't willing recognize. A soft cooing caught her attention and she looked down to find baby Anna stirring slightly in her arms. The child was just a hair over three months, but her huge blue eyes showed the alertness of someone six times her age. She felt Jason place a comforting hand on the small of her back as he watched Emma and Matt carefully. They were good children and made no fuss of standing in the chilly autumn air.

It was decided that each person would say something about Carly, mostly stories and such. Bobbie had started long ago and was still blubbering on about her "sweet baby girl." Courtney tried her best to stay attentive and understanding, but her mind was somewhere else. Her best friend in the entire world was more than likely gone for good and she didn't even have a chance to say goodbye. Their last conversation wasn't exactly a heart to heart and if Courtney had known it would be the last time they spoke, she wouldn't have used the tone she used. Or would she have?

I'm drunk and I'm feeling down  
And I just want to be alone  
I'm pissed cause you came around  
Why don't you just go home?  
Cause you channeled all your pain  
And I can't help you fix yourself  
You're making me insane  
All I can say is...

_Flashback_

_The shrill ring of the telephone woke her from her slumber. She cursed in her sleep, silently praying that the raucous wouldn't disturb Anna who was sleeping soundly in the next room. Her petite hand reached towards the nightstand, fumbling aimlessly until she retrieved the cordless receiver. 'Somebody better be dead,' she heard Jason groan and at this point, she had to agree with him. That was the first thing they agreed upon as of late. It had been a little over two months since she returned to from her mini vacation and they were at each other's throats constantly. Courtney liked to believe it was the long hours he was working coupled with the stress over having a new baby in the house that was tearing them apart. She just hoped that it would wear off soon and go back to the way they were before. She always hated fighting with him and worried about the time that he would walk away and never come back._

_"Hello?" Her groggy voice seemed to catch the other person off guard._

_"Were you sleeping?" Carly's voice rang through the transmitter like a bell._

_"It's three in the morning." She returned in annoyance._

_"Oh."_

_"Yeah." Courtney agreed shortly. "What do you want?"_

_"Well, you did say not to let another eight years go by without calling…"_

_"So you call now?"_

_"Yeah. I didn't realize it was so late there." She replied. "I'm sorry. I really am. I just needed to talk to someone and I didn't know who else to call." The statement infuriated Courtney. She was sick and tired of dropping everything just because Carly needed to "talk"._

_"Can we do this another time." She tried to remain calm._

_"But I really need you, Court." The brunette whined._

_"Fine."_

_"Fine?" She seemed unsure._

_"Say what you got to say." Courtney drummed her fingers mindlessly on the plastic material of the phone. It was something to keep her mind off the annoyance she felt._

_"Well, I've been thinking a lot since you went home." Carly began. "And I think I'm in love."_

_"You think?"_

_"Yeah after all the gushing you did over Jason. I began to see my friend Pierre in a different light." The brunette chatted on. "You see, I want what you have and I think that he might just be the person to give it to me."_

_"That's great." Courtney was genuinely happy for her friend._

_"But there's a problem."_

_"What's that?"_

_"I'm still married to Jax." She replied bitterly. "So I was thinking that if maybe you could talk to him. Give him the divorce papers…"_

_"Absolutely not." Her tone was firm._

_"Why not?" _

"Because I won't do your dirty work, Carly." Courtney answered.

"Jax and I are still somewhat friends and I won't damage that on your account."

_"So what?" She cried indignantly. "I'm your best friend! I think that should count for a little more."_

_"Stop it." She rubbed her temples tiredly. "I'm not doing it and that's the end of it."_

_"Are you seeing him on the side or something?"_

_"Are you fucked?" It was Courtney's turn to be indignant. "Stop being a baby and come home and do it yourself."_

_"You used to do anything for me." She whispered sadly._

_"Yeah well things change."_

_"Why?"_

_"Because people grow up, Carly." She explained gently as if she were talking to a five year old. "They gain responsibilities."_

_"And I don't have responsibilities?" Her voice rose. "You just think my life is one big vacation, don't you?"_

_"Isn't it?" She returned wearily._

_"Fuck you, Courtney."_

_"Fuck me?" She growled. "Who the hell do you think you are? Calling me at the crack of dawn and begging me the break up with **your** husband for you?" Silence. "I know how hard it must be for you to get to Port Charles. You know with that busy life you lead. Drinking, partying, and pretending that you are the only person in the entire world that matters."_

_"What's up with you?" She was stunned at Courtney's outburst. "Just because you're tied down, don't take it out on me. You got yourself into that mess."_

_"So now my life is a mess?" Venom dripped from her voice. "My life is just fine, thank you. I mean that's why you want it so badly, correct? You want what I have, but it will never work out for you."_

_"Why is that?"_

_"Because just like I was never cut out for life on the road..." She took a deep breath knowing that the next statement would more than likely serve as a wrecking ball to their friendship. "You were never meant to settle down. You're like a storm, Carly. You destroy everything in your path and then move on."_

_"That's how you think of me?" Tears coated the other woman's words. "Hurricane Carly. Out to ruin everyone and everything." Courtney didn't respond. She didn't have anything else to say. All the things that had been weighing on her for years had finally come out and while she didn't regret any of them, she felt a small sense of pity for how harsh they sounded._

_"At least I know how you really feel." She continued on. "Sorry I bothered you…"_

_"Carly…"_

_"No it's fine, really. Give Jason my love." The dial tone signaled the end of the conversation and Courtney felt tears rush to the forefront of her eyes. She squeezed them shut and tried to force them back, but it was useless. The hot liquid burned her cheeks as she grasped the phone in her hand._

_"Everything all right?" She heard Jason ask, but didn't respond. She expected him ignore the silence and fall back to sleep, but was pleasantly surprised when his strong arms wrapped around her waist. "What's going on, baby?" His voice was soft and comforting._

_"I screwed up." She whispered in between tears._

_"It can't be that bad…"_

_"She's never going to talk to me, again."_

_"We both know that's not true…" He tried, but she just shook her head. His thumb wiped away a few of the tears that scattered down and her cheeks and she forced a smile for him. Maybe things with Carly would never be the same, but she had said her piece. She couldn't be Carly's personal assistant anymore, she had her own life to worry about._

_End of Flashback_

**I tried to help you once  
Against my own advice  
I saw you going down  
But you never realized  
That you're drowning in the water  
So I offered you my hand  
Compassion's in my nature  
Tonight is our last stand**

Courtney felt everyone's eyes rest upon her. It was finally her turn to speak, but as she opened her mouth no words came. She felt Jason's grip tighten slightly and looked towards him for something that would give her the courage to share at least one of the million memories she had with her best friend. Anna continued to gurgle quietly in her arms and she let herself be distracted for a moment. None of the people here were expecting much from her, but she felt that she owed it to Carly. Somehow try and honor the memory that she had trashed the last time they spoke. Tears were beginning to blur her vision and she did her best to force down the lump in her throat.

"You know what? I think I got skipped." Jason jumped in an effort to give her time to regain her composure. For the millionth time, she listened as he recounted the time that he and Sonny had ditched the girls in the graveyard late at night. She silently wondered if that was the only memory he had of Carly, because it was the only one she had ever heard him tell. He dragged the story on a little longer than usual and watched her out of the corner of his eye for some signal that would tell him that she was ready to speak. She nodded to him and gave a mournful smile. She could do this if not for herself than for the woman she considered her friend.

"Carly and I have had some crazy times together…" She began and a hush fell over the group. "For a long time she was the only person I could count on and I'll always cherish that. Because despite her obvious flaws, Carly was a good person. She cared so deeply about how each ofus thought of her and that's why she did some of the things she did. Jax, I know how tough this must be for you, but please don't forget that Carly loved you in her own crazy way…" The cocky Australian looked towards the ground and Courtney could see tears shining in his crystal blue orbs.

"Sonny and Jase," she let her gaze flutter between the two men. "She considered you two her older brothers even if you weren't technically related. You kept her out of a lot of trouble when we were younger and I know that she always appreciated that." She rubbed her temples and looked towards Carly's mom. The two women were never very close and Bobbie wasn't the best mother a girl could ask for, but she tried.

"Ms. Benson…" She let out a sigh. "I know that you never saw eye to eye with her, but Carly respected you a lot. She knew how hard you tried and while she may have never been able to express it to you, she told me how much you meant to her." She was about to speak, but was instead cut off by Bobbie.

"Courtney, dear…" Her tone was low and she spoke slowly. "Carly never deserved to have a friend like you. You were good to her even when no one else was and I need you to know how much I respect that. She loved you like a sister." Tears were threatening to spill, but the blonde refused to let them fall. Instead, she nodded and looked up to the sky. God, she hated Carly for making her go through this.

I'm drunk and I'm feeling down  
And I just want to be alone  
You shouldn't never come around  
Why don't you just go home?  
'cause you're drowning in the water  
And I tried to grab your hand  
I left my heart open  
But you didn't understand  
But you didn't understand  
Go fix yourself

The kids had long since been put to bed and the normally bright house was eerily dark. Courtney sat alone in the parlor, a glass of wine in hand. She never normally drank, but felt the need to unwind after such a traumatic day. She wondered if some how this tragedy could have been avoided. Maybe if she had just tried a little harder, Carly would still be around to drive her crazy. God, how could she have said those awful things to her? Guilt had festered deep in the pit of her stomach, reminding her that she could have (but chose not) to save her best friend. The darkness formed a blanket around her and she appreciated the gloominess it brought. She deserved to feel this way. She didn't deserve to be happy. The door creaked and a small sliver of light shone through and cast a shadow on her. Jason stood in the doorway, his head leaning against the frame as he watched her carefully. They stayed silent for a moment as Courtney focused her attention on emptying the glass in front of her. She stood to get another one, but her footing gave way as she stumbled slightly. Jason was there without a moment of hesitation and his strong arms held her up.

"Thanks," she whispered as she straightened up. He didn't remove his grasp and Courtney found herself wishing that they could stay that way forever.

"It's not you fault," he told her softly as if reading her mind. "Carly is Carly and nothing you say or did was ever going to stop her from doing anything. You know that."

"I was so mean to her…"Her voice was hoarse.

"Well, she wasn't always sugary sweet to you." He reasoned and was met with a nod. "Please don't do this to yourself, Court."

"I just feel like I'm losing control of everything." She confided. "I mean, Carly's probably dead. We barely even talk anymore unless it's to fight. The kids are growing up so fast. I just don't know what to do…"

"Stop it." He brushed away the moisture under her eyes. "What happened with Carly was a tragedy, but you had nothing to do with it. As for the kids, well they grow up. There is nothing that either of us can do to change the course of nature."

"And us?" Her voice cracked.

"It's been rough…" He agreed. "I don't know about you, but I'm not going anywhere. You are the best thing that ever happened to me. I don't know what I would do without you." She checked his expression for sincerity and smiled slightly when she found it. His hand tangled in her hair and pulled her close. She breathed in the scent of his cologne and felt as if a small weight had been lifted off of her shoulders. "You know I'm right."

"About what?" Courtney asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Everything." He returned and she rolled her eyes. "You can't save people that don't want to be saved, Court. I saw you try a million times…"

"I know…" She nodded. She had to find a way to let Carly go. She had to find a way to make peace within herself so she could move on. "I need to go for a walk." Jason didn't say anything, just planted a soft kiss on her forehead. "You going to be around when I get back?"

"Where else would I be?" Courtney smiled and did her best to walk a straight line out the door. The after effects of her own private wine party were beginning to wear off and soon the head ache would settle in. She threw Jason one last appreciative look before the letting the cool air greet.

I can't help you fix yourself  
But at least I can say I tried  
I'm sorry but I got to move on with my own life  
I can't help you fix yourself  
But at least I can say I tried  
I'm sorry but I got to move on with my own life

Courtney wrapped her jacket a little tighter around her shoulders. The wind had picked up and with it so had the cold. She looked at the pristine white cross that everyone had been crowded around hours earlier. It simply read: _Caroline_ _Benson. Forever in the hearts of everyone she touched._ It wasn't elaborate like the woman herself, but it wasserving as a reminder for everyone that loved her. She had spent the walk over trying to organize her thoughts, but her mind was still a jumble.

"I have some many things to say to you, but I don't know where to begin." She knelt on the soft ground. "I love you, Carly. You know that despite what was said the last time we spoke. God, I'm not even sure why I was so angry. I know you didn't demean my life, but that's how things always were between us. I sat in the backseat while you drove and I don't regret it, but sometimes you could be a little much. I did the best I could to keep us together, but I failed. That's something I have to live with. I failed you and I'm sorry. I gave my all, but it wasn't enough." A few stray tears ran down her cheeks and she swiped them away.

"Is it bad that I feel somewhat relieved? For as long as we've been friends, I've spent so much time worrying about you and now I don't have to. I cherish all the times we shared, but sometimes you were enough to make me want to curl up and die. I can't live like that anymore. I have a family that needs me and they deserve my undivided attention. So, as much as it hurts to do this: I'm done, Carl. I'll always care for you, but if you ever resurface things cannot go back to the way they were. I'm sorry." She lifted herself off the ground and let her gaze wander over to the nearby pond. The water was calm and offered her some comfort. She just wanted to go home and bury herself in Jason's touch. She placed a soft kiss on the cross before walking off. She was a few feet away when a cool breeze swirled around her, she spun around. She looked to water one more time and was almost positive she saw her friend standing there waving. Courtney rubbed her eyes and the image was gone. She could blame it on the wine, but deep down knew better.

"Bye Carly." She whispered.

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut  
And my weakness is that I care too much  
And our scars remind us that the past is real  
I tear my heart open just to feel


End file.
